michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 2)

it's extremely difficult for me to get my head around things... i am at a loss, and entirely conflicted- which was the case with my relationship with him in the first place... it's still hard for me to say his name, and when i did today it sounded entirely strange. i still feel as if he never left. but i know he has. and it's killing me.

there are all these articles discussing 'what killed him'. but i insist he left this plane with a broken heart. the more i look into the articles people have given me, the more i believe he's been making preparations for a long time with the ancestors. at least ten years.

it's been said that the life he led in his 50 years was fuller than someone who's even lived a hundred. this may be the case, but still, he hasn't reached his full potential as a human, because he was never given a chance to. we've generally only known him in performance mode. but now, in his transition, we are all learning about ourselves. i think this was truly his purpose for being here: to teach us about ourselves.

in concrete terms, more than anything i think what (or WHO) 'killed' him was jordan chandler. he has been so vocal over the years about his love for children, that if he were told there were no more children left on this earth he would slit his wrists. in 1993 when evan chandler (jordan's father) accused him of child molestation, this was the beginning of the end. this was when it was widely known that he became heavily addicted to painkillers. in 2005, when he was accused of the same violation by the arviso family, this WAS the end for him. the fact that CHILDREN, of all people, could be adulterated, just killed him. he seemed to continue to hold on, for his own children, for his fans and for his loved ones, but i think he was just at a loss. just looking at him after this point, his eyes seemed to have lost faith in humanity.

was he afraid of his own mortality? i cannot say... it has been said though, that he has claimed he was not going to live soon after the age of fifty. we have lisa marie presley's apparent essay, stating that he told her in seriousness that he was not going to live until an older age, shrugging his shoulders in concession, despite her protests of his statement... plus someone told me today that someone she knows overheard him discussing the fact that he claimed he was not going to live to see 51... if all of this is true, my intuition (from what i wrote in yesterday's blog) scares me. was my connection this deep with him, that i felt any sort of pain he was feeling? how many other people who did not personally know him saw this coming?

i think it's fairly safe to say that he 'died' before he got to the hospital. the question remains, if he chose to do this. it's not uncommon to revive someone after they have a heart attack, perhaps even cardiac arrest. did he just choose to leave this body?

when he demanded AEG (the concert promotions company) to put his cardiologist on their payroll for the tour, was he preparing for this moment? the cardiologist was his live-in doctor for two weeks (but with him for three years), before this moment. the concerts were to begin about two weeks from now. the coincidence of this is so confusing to me... two weeks with a 'live-in doctor'... why? it appears very much to me to be a hospice sort of situation. i am so confused... why would his doctor administer something like demerol to him, when there is a possibility he was taking other prescription medicines? did he take some without telling his doctor, then he took the dosage of demerol (or whatever it was) at the 'correct time' but it mixed with the other drugs, causing a cardiac arrest? was he just SO addicted to pills, or was he truly preparing for this moment of transcendence?

as i said, it's entirely difficult for me to get my head around things. i spent most of the day riding a bicycle, in full regalia: the glove, fedora, jacket with the gold embroidery, sequins and rhinestones, white socks and loafers... i just rode and rode and rode. i just stared off into space most of the time, so i think most people just went on their merry way. but some people were staring at me, and others decided to speak. there was everything from 'long live MJ', to 'rest in peace', to 'look, it's MJ' to someone giving a thumbs up sign, to just yelling his name outside of a car. there was also honking of a car horn. some pre-teen kids made the 'hee hee' sound, trying to mess with me, i think. one of the kids said, 'leave her alone, she is MJ'. at least this is what i heard. when i was downtown one man, as i was at a stoplight came up to me, his shirt tagged with about 10-12 MJ buttons, and gave me a hug. he asked me to marry him. his friend said, 'yeah, you should marry him!'

i ended up having a conversation with someone who stopped and wanted to take my picture. i began talking, and i began crying. the fact that i can cry in front of complete strangers over this situation is significant.

i spoke with pearljr., one of the biggest MJ advocates i know tonight, and she is extremely heartbroken and shaken up over this... like me, she didn't have an appetite, and could not sleep.

i wish i were here with a community of folks right now, who feel the same way i do, and who understand what i am feeling in this moment. it's quite isolating here in portland. it is gonna take a long time to cope with this situation. we must remain positive in light of everything, because that's what he would have wanted.