michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 4)

i think i am at the second stage of this grief/trauma bit: anger... i keep seeing discussions about outside forces... i keep seeing discussion that media is not honoring him correctly... i keep seeing discussion about what may have prompted his cardiac arrest... i feel so bombarded by all of this, when i don't really care about any of it... all i know is that my teacher is not physically here, and it hurts me to no end. i just want to scream that to everybody. WHY CAN'T YOU OVERSTAND THIS! MY TEACHER IS NOT PHYSICALLY HERE!!!

someone sent me an article stating that the cause of the cardiac arrest most likely was a result of his bout with lupus. i was actually quite aware that he was suffering from lupus (discoid lupus, as a matter of fact- the one which effects the skin; it was not as far gone as the one which affected jay dilla)). this has been confirmed on several medical websites for a while now. he's also been filmed at events supporting the research for lupus. this is not new news to me. it's been said he was diagnosed with having lupus around the same time he was getting treatment for being burnt in the infamous 'pepsi incident'. this was confirmed, in every medical website i looked up some time ago, by one of his doctors, arnold klein. this was also used as evidence in one of his court cases. there are also photos in the mid 1980s, (with his 'beat it jacket on in particular), where you see the 'butterfly rash' on his face, which is a symptom of discoid lupus:
it is evident in this photo:

or here:

HOWEVER! to say that this is simply the cause of his transcendence is upsetting, because it doesn't look holistically at how he treated himself. if he ate healthily (which apparently, he did not), if he didn't deal with as much stress as he dealt with over the years (almost his whole life); if he didn't overexert himself in terms of performance... if he just gave himself a CHANCE to just sit, breathe and reflect- if lupus is indeed the cause for his transcendence, would he have had an inflammation?

i do not care if the cause is lupus, cancer, anorexia; overdose on demerol, morphine or pills, chemical imbalance, schizophrenia... none of this matters to me. none of this takes into account the emotional and physical pain he must have been feeling, enough to ask the ancestors to take him away from this plane. discussing this in terms of a simple medical definition and diagnosis (even when discussing mental health issues) in my opinion would limit him as a full being, with a full range of experiences and emotions.

he suffered from a broken heart, and no autopsy report will ever know the depths to which he suffered.

i am feeling so upset now. i need closure, but not the kind i am being inundated with. i do not watch television; i already KNOW that BET or any other network is not going to honor him in a way fit for someone of his stature... he was a small person, but his presence loomed universally. he stood next to interviewers who were way taller than he, but when he performed or when he stood in front of cameras he grew. i have no expectations from media, so i create my own ways to honor him.

i have decided against going to california. there are millions of fans there already. ultimately i would love to be with others grieving just the same as i am, but i don't want to contribute to a circus. i just want to know he is at peace. and i know my presence in california will not confirm that.

i have also decided against looking at any coverage of a homegoing ceremony, if there will be any footage of it. i am sure i will hear about it.

i am still having difficulty looking at those three words together...

they were nice enough to let his music play at work all day... i heard him speaking today on one of the discs, and i choked up... i had to skip it. earlier in the day i cried in the aisles, when i heard him sing. the great irony is that it is only he i can listen to at this point, or no music at all. i had to turn on the vaccum, to drown out a song.

i am coming to terms with this, looking at his pictures; trying to look into his eyes. i look, and then i avert my eyes... i can look at most of them, but there is one... there is one i cannot. on my wall is an image, the gatefold centre of the 'jacksons' album, where all of them are there, their afros coalescing. i have the most difficulty looking at this image, with him in the centre, staring deep into the camera's viewer's/listener's gaze.

i wore the 'billie jean' outfit (like the one at the top image) today, to honor him. i kept the glove on most of the day... people told me i looked 'cute' or just yelled 'michael!' it was really hard to smile today, and i didn't really... i told people i was grieving when they asked how i was doing, and still, they laughed. i certainly recognize that people have their different ways of grieving (and their relationship to him may not be like the one i have with him), but still, it is frustrating.

all i need to know is that he is okay.