once again, i am beginning to feel pretty alone... in this time of mourning i still feel alone. so many are wrapped up in the wonder of your performance when ultimately, in the end none of that really matters to me.
i am quite open in my refusal to pay money to see the film which supposedly documents the rehearsals for the tour you claimed to be your final. "this is it!" you exclaimed. you already know how upset i was with you initially for agreeing to do the dates, even if it was only 10 dates you announced. but all that is unimportant now i suppose, as you were going to perform anyways. and since you were, yes, i did attempt to get a ticket (and you know how that went)... i really was upset at you though; i kept saying that there was no need for you to please some fans... they'd be okay if you just announced you were retiring from a life of performance to raise your three children without fail, or interruption.
then the inevitable occurred.
and so now, sony is documenting it. and they paid $60 million to get the rights to do that.
and so yes, i feel alone in my refusal to pay money to see this film. the general response is that i am missing out on the wonder that is you, and that the film is magical, and that you are a genius.
well, aside from the fact that i don't believe in the concept of the genius- we all shine in our own ways- i do not doubt that you have absolutely brilliant moments in the film. of COURSE you do; it is you! the thing is, i don't need to watch a bunch of clips edited to display the wonderment. and if this is going to be an actual DOCUMENTARY, i want to see the sad and the dark moments as well. i don't just want to see the wonderment. i want to see the backstage struggles you had with AEG in terms of dealing with contracts. i want to see your reservations about performing 50 shows- which is too much for ANYBODY, i might add. i want to see your struggles with insomnia, and maintaining the grueling schedule. i want to see you hunched over in pain. because this is what it appeared to be, just from looking at seconds of footage from the rehearsal which surfaced immediately after the news of your transcendence. i did not find you to be as healthy looking as so many others claimed you looked.
my heart went out to you because i wanted you to rest. i did not want you to perform. ever again.
and of course, you are resting now... for sure.
and so i refuse to agree with their profiting off of your transcendence. and so i feel alone because so many others are emotionally enraptured by your brilliance. for me though, the brilliance is not in your performance. that is not why i consider you my teacher. anyone can perform; it's what and how you teach that make the performances stand out.
but so many people are telling me i should go see this 'documentary'. and without arguing or discounting their passion for the film how do i say 'no'?
and of course, what if this is all a major trick, planned by you the whole time? what if this event was orchestrated.. what if all of it were orchestrated? that WOULD actually be a brilliant act. however...
for me that argument does not add up, as none of the money is going to some sort of non-profit. it does not add up for me.
i had the most surreal dream before i woke up last... and you were in it. this holds significance because it's the first clear dream i have had of you since all of this happened... all of the other dreams i had with you were so hazy. i'd see you, but you'd weave in and out, and i could never remember why you were there.
but this time, you saw me, and acknowledged me. just like all the other times.
still, there was a difference.
it was in the lobby of a bowling alley, in a bar/restaurant... you were sitting alone at a table, looking as you looked today (or this year). i approached you, and you smiled. i mentioned to you that i wanted to talk with you about the book i was writing (but had since stopped, since your transcendence); and before you could even respond, a mass of people appeared in between us. the words they were speaking were incoherent... i just know that somehow they wanted to be closer to you.
i became a bit sad, as i really wanted to speak with you about the book. i am still looking for guidance on it. as the crowd closed around you, you became transparent. i could see through you. the sounds around me became quieter and of less significance, as i sat down next to the crowd, clamoring for your attention. they were still acting as if you were not invisible.
the sounds were drowned out now, by my focus on an older couple, about 80 years old... initially, they were sitting next to each other, cuddling. about a minute later they were sitting across from one another, playing with objects on the table- salt and pepper shakers, utensils... they moved them around like chess pieces, then played with them as if they were dolls. they made a family of the items on the table. i looked at how much fun they were having with each other, and i began crying.
and then i woke up.
of course i am not sure what this means... does this mean i have acknowledged your transcendence in ways i could now be comfortable with? i don't know. does this mean you are soon returning as another physical form? i cannot say. does this mean you have actually given me an answer about the book? i am still trying to figure that out.
perhaps these answers may never come to me. perhaps they already did.
despite speaking with you everyday outside of the written word, i felt i needed to come back here and process things in this way... as of today it has indeed been four months since your transcendence; and it wouldn't be crazy of me to say that i still cry. in fact, just a couple of hours ago tears streamed down my face, thinking about the impact you have made, and most likely will never be made again by anyone else. there are people who certainly come close. but how many people can create a global phenomenon through one dance- a dance which people have painstakingly learned for weeks at a time, just to present it to the world.
this year i believe it was said to have been about 200,000 people (at least) all around the world who danced in your honor. i was one of those people, my teacher. i was the one in the wolf mask. last year, you looked down from a helicopter in L.A. to watch it (and i could imagine the joy on your face!). now, you can watch us all. you can watch us all do this dance, in honor of the joy you have given us through your art.
for me, i cannot say you have totally given me joy through your art... even though you have made me smile, for sure; mostly you have given me moments of intense sadness (through identification) and introspection. i have learned so much from you because of this. still, it does give me great joy to see so many around the world share one thing with each other. as you have written: "(we) keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. the creator and creation merge into one wholeness of joy. (we) keep on dancing and dancing... and dancing, until there is only... the dance."
in watching so many clips of people dancing around the world at the same time i did cry tears of joy... which turned into tears of grief. i thought about how i may never encounter another person as complicated, as intricate, as multi-dimensional, as wounded, as shy, as sensitive, as vulnerable, as learned, as joy-inducing, as contradictory, as caring, as lonely, as withdrawn, as revealing... as you.
and it makes me sad to know that i could never tell you how much you have taught me.
there is just so much to say but i will leave it at this right now, and speak with you outside of the written word.
thanks for listening; i'm sure the this month has been real busy for you.