Wednesday, June 30, 2010
okay... chris brown... i don't want to focus too much of my energy speaking on him necessarily, but all of this is interrelated.
we are conditioned to make heroes out of remnants of that which we idolize... rather, it's not the people we honor, but the cultural traits which resonate. we create idols out of specific characteristics as opposed to looking within ourselves and realize we could bring the same gifts to the table if we applied ourselves pro-actively.
we look to chris brown to being a culturally specific heir to you, michael; but really, it's imperative to know that everything has its place. chris brown can no more take your place than you could take james brown's place. the point is, that wasn't your goal. you embodied what mr. brown has taught you in many ways, though what you did was never designed to take his place. you embodied many cultural signifiers and used those things to enhance your creative output. you never used those signifiers as a crutch.
it seems like in these instantaneous times we use these signifiers as a crutch, so it's easy for someone like chris brown to be called 'the next michael jackson'. it's easy for him to fall back on the things which inspired him, instead of looking within himself to hone his talent. i can't say i am into his music (i know you said you were); but he's had some fame for a number of years, and i'm sure it's because he utilized some of the skills he had on his own to reach audiences. you were just the guide through which he felt inspired. in the midst of this we encourage chris brown to never reach his full potential, because we keep comparing him to you.
and thus, we collectively were upset when he was not allowed to perform on a tribute to you due to his 'domestic abuse' incident, in which he beat up his girlfriend severely... honestly, i feel two ways about it; having grown up in an abusive environment (as you have) i find his actions reprehensible. i think that his performing is too soon. at the same time i cannot be the judge of his level of development or therapy. on another level, how fair is it of me to cast him off as immoral, when i still listen to the music of ike turner, james brown or marvin gaye? shouldn't we hold these artists to the same standards, regardless of generational factors, or whether or not we like their art?
i knew that i didn't want to talk about this all day, but i had to frame it in a way so you'd grasp what i am trying to say. despite everything i just said, his association with you does not sit right with me. i suspect that much of it has to do with the concept of how we view art in these times. for chris brown to perform a few of your songs and emulate a few of your moves does not encompass the true nature of your work, your art and your teachings. the way you moved to me, was a tribute to the ancestors... it was a connection with a spiritual convergence. it was, to paraphrase you, another part of all of us. when i see chris brown i see a singular act, a gesture to iconic symbolism.it's as if he was inspired by performance, and not the message which came with that performance. he is preoccupied by the mechanics of the dance, and not consumed by that which encompasses it. all that there must be for him is, as you once stated, "the dance."
this is the only way to attain that higher purpose.
but alas, he is still young. is this attainment something that is within us the whole time, or is it something we have to strive for, with outside assistance? i believe the question is already answered but we collectively struggle with this in these times.
with that i have not seen this recent performance of his (which so many are discussing), where he cries during his performance of 'man in the mirror'... personally i have no interest in seeing this performance; as i told you before i'm not all that interested in seeing every dedication to you posthumously. i speak of chris brown here in light of the fact that we still have not dealt with ourselves- our HIGHER selves- and yet our dialog moves between whether or not chris brown was sincere in his tears in performance of a song in which the message is about accessing the higher self. he has some demons to deal with for sure; but really, in his dedication to you AND in our sympathetic (or critical) renderings of his performance- not to mention the fact that so many of us are still emotionally attached to the symbols chris brown seemingly echoed/reflected in this performance- can we say that any of us have really heard the message?
this is a call out not just to others, but to myself. i am but a humble student here on this plane, and i aim to do my best in sharing what you have taught me with others.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
i know it has been a while since we last spoke in this form, but i needed a lot of room to think... you have been within my heart in other ways so obviously this is not the only way. but this is a way for me to be able to seem to make sense, to myself, and perhaps others...
it has indeed been a full year since your transcendence. within this time the initial stages of grief have come back full circle; i find myself questioning (whether or not you know it) myself, and my feelings. it still does not seem real that you have physically left us, although i have come to terms with you being in a much better place than this. i find great relief knowing this. the contradictions arise aplenty in the circling back of this grief period. i find myself becoming angry at myself and others around me.
i have been feeling very mis-understood and isolated. i have been feeling quite alone in my feelings for you. i feel as if my concerns in terms of your transcendence seem so distant from others' concerns... i realize that people want to reach out but i end up recoiling...
...like, when people ask me if i have seen 'this is it'. people still ask me this to this day. i feel i am very open in my refusal to see this 'movie'. at the same time i realize that everyone does or may not know this. i don't have an emotional attachment to you where i have to see every single thing produced of you posthumously. that is not the relationship i have with you. however, i realize that not everyone knows this. so, when people ask me if i have seen this 'movie' and i tell them that i have not due to my refusal to see it they ask me why. when i tell them my reason (which is that i believe that AEG is the organization which, shall i say, murdered you), people stop and either look at me as if i am crazy, or they become quiet and sort of move away. as if my reasoning holds no value.
again, my relationship to you is not that of fan and icon/celebrity/performer. so i hold no attachments to relics when you are within me the whole time. your teachings remain within me. i cannot be mad at someone who does want to hold on to a 'final' image of you. but i don't think people should expect me to feel the same way. everyone's love for you is not the same.
there's so much more happening than my experiences in discussing this 'movie', but i will leave it there.
despite all this, i feel that the love i have for you is isolating, indeed. just recently i was called 'disturbed', because i openly considered you the greatest teacher to exist on this plane... i do not state that lightly. i will not go into details here as to why i believe this (i think you already know- if others want to know they can ask me). i do truly believe you were speaking from higher levels. what you were speaking was simply, a reflection of us all.
the deeper i get into openly stating your teachings, the more grief i get. as of late i am on the verge of crying myself to sleep sometimes. it's as if everything i am doing is worth nothing. it's like, if you are told something enough times you start to believe it. i know you know how that feels. frankly i am tired of being called crazy, and i know i have learned to be stronger than to think this is the case, but so much of this is killing me in many ways.
there are so many levels to this. i keep looking within myself, and it's hurting. it's circular all over again, like when i was heavily writing the book, the book which began the relationship between me and you. it was very painful to be in that place and now i feel like i'm in the same place. i know i have to hold on (i aim to spread your teachings no matter what) but you have to realize how difficult this is.
i do recognize that what i am experiencing are the levels of that vibrational energy- what i am receiving i may also be presenting... the waves of energy are turbulent within me. sometimes i have so much energy and other times i feel at a loss. i see you, and my heart sinks. because i know there is still so much work to be done. and i know i am not alone but it feels that way most of the time.
sometimes it shows on the outside... but much of the time i DO smile, just like the words of your favourite song. in the past few days, alone in my room, i just cry. amidst the summer sun it's just cloudy inside. i also know that everything in life is a lesson but lately a lot of what i am feeling is mistakes. and that i don't have the capacity to fulfill everything i want to.
something has to change. i am doing my best but in the process it would be nice to have someone on this plane to be there with me.
because sometimes i don't know if even you're hearing me.
if i am loud enough, or if i'm saying the right things, i don't know... i mean, what even IS the right thing?
it's interesting, because i am returning to the quick note you wrote back in 1987- "...most people don't know me, that is why they write such things in which most is not true. i cry very often because it hurts and i worry about the children... animals strike, not from malice but because they want to live, it is the same with those who criticize, they desire our blood, not our pain. but i still must achieve i must seek truth in all things."
all these things people say about me, and the looks they give, i know that it's all about perception but sometimes it hurts. well, a lot of the time it hurts. and it's been hurting a lot more lately than usual.