michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 39)

i have finally finished the show to you, to be aired on thursday... it took a lot out of me to do. but it was worth it, i think... i put a lot of love into it. i'm sure you've listened to it already in some form (i've listened to it in what seems to be dozens of times at this point, to make sure it sounds okay for the airwaves)... i really hope you like it.

it has been TWO MONTHS exactly, and i am still sitting here crying right now... in the midst of finishing up the show in the studio this morning i started crying, singing along with you. i made some on-air statement for the show, in terms of how i feel about you. but everything i said seems so wrong. it's as if more should be said, or not what i ended up saying. it's as if ANYTHING i said would have come out wrong anyways. or, anything i would have said would not necessarily be overstood. there was so much i wanted to say to you, but i could not think to say it at the time. i wanted to really speak more in depth on what you've done for me, and what you mean to me, but everything i would have said would seem so small and insignificant. yes, i realize it's the sentiment that counts, but still... i just feel like there is something missing. my hope is that people really get a sense of why i feel the way i do through my words, and through listening closely to you.

i am really nervous to put the show on... it is this gift i have given from my heart and i want to share it with others. but i am still nervous because it is going out to so many people. i don't really know what this nervousness and fear is about. i suppose i do, but i can't put my finger on it. and i think part of it is, the closer this day approaches, and the more i see you; the more i realize i truly love and care about you. and this makes me cry even more. and i just want to do the best job i can with this show.

i have done this before, done shows for you. but now, it's in a whole different context. i pre-produced the show because i don't want to cry live over the air. and i think on thursday i'm gonna be in the air room by myself. i really hope you like your gift, dear teacher...



i want to support something positive, amongst all this negativity right now... yesterday, people kept asking me if i heard the news... i still cannot see 'those three words' together without feeling a sort of sickness. but those words are everywhere. to me, you HAVE NOT... 'died'... you are still here, your spirit watching over us, waiting to see if your message will finally be heard. but all of this news (which i have been very adamant about not wanting to hear since your transcendence) keeps being relayed to me...

'have you heard the news?' of course it's about you so they volunteer to inform me of what they have learned. 'it was ruled a homicide'... teacher, i am just going to step outside of all the arguments supporting this statement and be the 'odd man out'. deep in my heart i don't believe it's a homicide. people want to bring me into all of this negativity so i feel i will respond to it, slightly. i was not there, but i don't know if i believe you were purposely murdered. once again (as you are all too familiar with) this is someone's livelihood that's being dealt with. sure, the doctor should certainly take responsibility in this situation (as you were under his care) but as high-profile of a patient you were, would he really ruin his life to purposefully end yours? something does not sound right to me. please let me know if i am wrong about this, dear teacher.

but!

your day is happening in just a few days... on this plane you would have been 51. now, even though your spirit still surrounds us your life has taken on a new form; you have been born into someone else. i will continue to honor you in the form i met you in, and continue to learn from you in your new form, as well as the prior one.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 38)

i haven't had much time to breathe, preparing for events in your honor... i have been working as much as i can, till sunrise, on the radio show; and i finally got a poster done, to let people know of the event coming on your day, in the park. people seem pretty excited about both things... it's a bit sad to me that i didn't see this much excitement when you were still physically here. but as they say, in 'death' it takes many to truly see a person.

i felt a bit disoriented towards the end of the night, but overall i had a feeling it would be a good day. to be honest, i think it was your smile. it's one of the things to keep me going as of late, besides lumbia. to hear your laugh in my head makes me smile. i have to go back to those videos once in a while, where you're just laughing all over the place. and then i think about all the times i've had a good laugh... i mean, a huge belly laugh, where i can't stop laughing. i don't even know if you knew how healing your smile and your laugh are.

in editing for the radio show i have been listening to your lyrics a bit closer than i have been (and i usally listen pretty closely), and it seems to me that your smile kept you from feeling the absolute pain of the words you sing as well. as you were dancing and fidgeting at the microphone when you sang these songs (i can hear you snapping in between the drum beats) i wondered what was going on in your head, and if you thought happy thoughts to keep you from crying.



natalie told me she contacted you again, and she let me know you are doing fine. she said that your kids are fine too. i still worry about you sometimes, and i have to be reminded that you are doing okay...

she told me that you said it's okay that i finish the book. IS THAT TRUE? should i really finish it? please give me some sort of sign, so i know that is okay with you... i don't want you to think i am taking advantage of you in any way.

i heard your name being called again at work today. i am still trying to figure out if that is you calling me, or another one of the ancestors... i've been so busy working on the show i didn't hear anyone calling for a little bit. even though we haven't talked for a bit (in this fashion), i'm sure you know i think of you constantly.

i keep thinking about what i would say to you if you were still physically here... i really wanted you to read the book. i wanted to know from you if i did it any justice. i wanted to tell you (in person) that you are such a beautiful person, and what lies there in your eyes is more beautiful than any physical alteration. that may sound awkward; it's one of those things where i know what i want to say but how i said it would make or break how you felt about me... this is why i wanted you to read the book.

i suspect that each blog entry i write could be seen as a chapter in the book of life with you. however, this is me just trying to deal... yes, yes, i know the book i was in the process of writing was a way of dealing as well, but as i said before, i know what i want to say. this is a whole 'nother part of life i wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with. and now i am just taking it as it comes.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 37)

it usually happens when i am alone... i hear someone calling out your name. it's with more frequency now than when i was in the midst of heavily writing the book. now, i hear it about every other day or so. it happens when i am sitting here typing, or at work, or riding my bicycle. sometimes it's a soft whisper; other times it's just a flash, and i can't figure out what voice it is. i know that when i was writing the book and heard your name it definitely was not you calling me. but now, i am wondering if it's you (saying your own name?). or was it the ancestors the whole time bringing you to consciousness, in order to further connect with you. was it them guiding the vivid dreams i had with you, or was it simply the fact that you've weighed so heavily on my mind for two years? the dreams don't happen now; and when they do they are inconsistent in their content. but your name is still there.

there is so much contradiction and confusion as to how i feel about you now. this could be why your name is being called at a more consistent rate now- to get me to focus. ultimately, i am actually at the point where i can say with conviction that i am truly happy for you now. in my heart i know you are at peace. i know you are free from all the troubles of this plane. but there still lies a sadness so deep. there is a sadness which is paralyzing, in a way. i still need to hear from you in order to truly feel better. i need to know that writing the book is okay. i need to know your children are okay. i need to speak with you, just like that last time you spoke with me for that moment, and told me that i will 'know what to do'...

the root of my sadness is even deeper. yesterday, as i was thinking about how happy i was for you for being on a more peaceful plane (after having another stimulating conversation with natalie) i saw a friend of mine who i recently had a difficult time with. we got so close so fast, and we shared an intense friendship over time. but the paths in terms of where each of us desired the relationship to go crossed. i desired more commitment, and she felt she needed more space. this created a distance in our relationship, to the point where the range hit between silence and civility. things are more or less better between us now, but things most likely will never return to how they were. we are on friendly terms. i love her and if anything were to happen to her i'd be heartbroken, because i value the experiences we've shared, and she means a lot to me. all i can think about now though, is that i don't want any sort of intense relationship in my life; because i most likely will end up feeling rejected or abused. i have issues with trust (i acknowledge that), and if i meet someone i feel i can trust enough i will commit myself to my half of the relationship. my frustration is that i don't feel that i get the same commitment in return. so it makes me withdraw and refuse to make any deep connections with others.

one of the things which has been said about me is that i am a person who most likely uses logic; i am a person who relies on the head and not 'the heart', as a reaction to how i feel i have been treated in my life, particularly my childhood. there is some validity to this: whenever i open my heart really deeply i end up feeling rejected, simple as that. i don't want to appear vulnerable to 'the outside world' because i don't want the world to take advantage of me. i felt your pain when you shared this sentiment. you opened yourself up more to that vulnerability, more than i think even you imagined. one of the ways people who lived with some kind of trauma or abuse is to stay guarded. you did this for the most part, but by nature of you being one of the greatest public figures you opened yourself up. in your own way you've made yourself accessible. i don't think people caught on to this while you were physically here; and so now people are asking, 'what was he like? what DID he like?'



this is what creates the conflict i have with you. we have shared a type of relationship so instantly; a relationship which can appear to be one-sided to anyone outside the relationship. the more i learned about you; the more i became connected with you (through the connections of how we grew up), the closer i became to you. some may view this psychic relationship as bearing no weight (as we did not physically know each other). but in learning more about you- paying attention to your words, and the silence of your body language (and your eyes) i began to truly love you. and the love i felt for you coincided with this anger i felt for you (and the anger i felt for myself). it was may of last year where i openly acknowledged that i loved you, yet i was still exploring the depths of that love.

my love for you was so deep that it did consist of the intensity that either a parent, a child or a partner has for someone. you were my companion for two years. i have shared so much with you. now that you have travelled to another plane i feel like i can never share that experience with anyone else. i feel like i can never love again. this most likely will sound ridiculous to many- 'what are you talking about, you didn't even KNOW him'- but it's entirely difficult to explain. the tears i shed were not for you as 'MJ, the guy who made thriller'. it was for the person i shared my life with for two years.

and the root of my conflict in finishing the book is not only in my desire to not be part of the onslaught of books capitalizing off your name now; but it is also the fear in sharing with others what i have shared with you, in context of your transition. there are so many people coming out and saying they now recognize your humanity. but i don't want what i write to be lost in all of the 'sudden revelation' stories... i don't want my experiences with you to be trivialized. one thing i could do is just finish it and keep everything to myself (i WOULD NOT feel right about that; i'd rather just not finish it). the other option is to finish it and share it with people who already were aware of the work i was putting into it. with this, i could be missing out on connecting with others who have shared similar experiences as you or i.

the option i feel which is left is to just finish it and publicly release it. i have great reservations, due to what i just mentioned- i don't want to capitalize off of your name. this is why i consistently ask you for guidance in this situation.

i want to make sure that future generations are able to take from what you have taught me, and can progress to find ways to heal from generations of the cycles of abuse... i want to be sure that kids like the ones i met yesterday are able to continue their search for wonder, even in adulthood.

at my work there were these kids running around- there was one kid who obviously was the dominant one in the family. he is six years old. he went over with his sister, to the 'alter' (for lack of a better term) i have for you, and he was amazed... the kids are usually the first ones to see it. they recognize the child in you, i think... he says (not even that loudly) 'i love michael jackson'. my 'MJ radar' went off, and i said, 'i do too!' he looked back at me, surprised to know i was listening. he then talks about all the dolls, and the pictures. his mother comes over and is also amazed by the alter. she mentions her son's love for you, and how whenever he hears your songs on the radio he wants to know everything about them. he had all of these questions, and i answered them to the best of my ability. he and his sister were standing there for a good 20 minutes to a half hour, talking about you.

when they were getting ready to leave, he and his sister were still standing near the alter, but he ran up to his mother (as if on cue) and asked her if you've ever been to jail. she looked at him curiously, and i answered, 'no.' i think there was a look of relief on his face, and she mentioned that i had a lot of answers, and that if he had a question he should get a hold of me. i hear that from a lot of people... as they were leaving she thanked me for sharing information.

i then realized that you had briefly been to jail, after you were arrested on the first charge in 1993, i believe. the kid's excitement lead me to say no, because i had either blocked out that moment or forgotten. subconsciously i may also have wanted to not shatter his love for you. but somehow i did not remember you went to jail. how could i have forgotten that, i asked myself.

after my response to him and i realized my error, i looked at this situation logically (there's that old logic again): you may have been handcuffed but you did not get charged with what you were arrested for, so technically you were not in jail. but does that make sense? because you did indeed get arrested. and then i began to feel bad because even if i did so on accident i gave that kid the wrong information. i don't want the kid to come back to me and think i was lying to him, because i wasn't. my intention was not to lie. i don't want that kid to hate me. i think a response which came out of this was not to worry too much about it, because that kid should not be subjected to that sort of news. still, i don't want the kid to think of me as a liar. and i don't want to inspire the pattern of lying for this kid either.

i really hope i get to see this kid again, so i can correct my mistake. we can't bring the past back but we can correct mistakes.

so still, my days are filled with the momentary contradictions of sadness and happiness, at times merging with one another.

every day is a new opportunity to learn. and even in your transcendence i learn.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 36)

today was a bit more of a challenging day... not necessarily because of anything specifically related to you; but at the same time it is related to you. with all of the excitement around being with kids, and all the spontaneity yesterday, i went back in the world with 'adults' (aka 'work'). i do really like where i work, but i admit that it's hard to deal with people, because of the culture of apology. PEOPLE APOLOGIZE TOO MUCH FOR THINGS THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SORRY FOR. i know i speak of the cycle of violence in more concrete terms; but this culture is so pervasive in a way which extends beyond the more obvious forms of violence.

where does this culture of apology come from? was there a place in our childhoods where we lost self-direction and autonomy? what place is this, where even in adulthood we need approval/validation/permission to do things THAT WILL NOT HINDER ANYONE ELSE? how did we become so self-wallowing as a culture, to the point where if there is no permission granted, then we feel we are somehow in the way, or causing harm? when did we lose our sense of assertiveness as a culture?

it's assumed by more than enough people that assertiveness is the same thing as aggressiveness, when that is hardly the case. of course those two things can merge; but assertiveness implies a sense of self-control and responsibility. aggressiveness is making attempts to wield power or control over a situation or thing; possibly due to the lack of control one has in life. i am prompted in finding out more about this whole thing now.

when you made all of those business moves did you feel as sense of assertiveness or aggressiveness? which moves had more to do as a reaction of how you grew up, and which ones were a reaction to what you've seen in the industry? people always saw your actions out front as being weak (due to your quiet demeanor and soft voice). one of the things i've admired about you though, is your ability to control a situation even WITH that voice. i never saw you raise your voice when in a conference; and in performing on stage your speaking voice was raised only slightly. you are definitely an aggressive performer; an angry one (as fred astaire used to say), but it was a sort of aggressiveness that was an aspect of your performance. it didn't extend beyond the stage. it kept people on their toes. in terms of asserting your power... yes, that definitely moved beyond the stage. you were no joke with that. being a young guy making all those moves you did, that is pretty amazing.

still... what is the root of all you did? what line was there for you between assertiveness and aggressiveness?

this is something i am struggling with in living here in the northwestern part of the country. and the more i struggle with it the more it makes me love kids, with their honesty and the lack of hangups they have.

see what you've done, teacher?

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 35)

i'd love to say 'i wished you were here' but the thing is, i know you were... i know you saw how beautifully the day went- in fact, i was the best day i have had since you... transcended. it was a day you would have reveled in, had you physically been here. it was the first time i actually saw portland, oregon filled with so much love and community.

i spent a portion of the day anticipating seeing your performance as the scarecrow again. i can't emphasize enough how much warmth you brought to that character... the second time within a week, you ask? this time it was free, in a park. it was related to an event where communities could get together and know each other. that was the idea(l). i went by the park to see where the film was playing, and i saw so many children happily playing without a care. the adults created a water slide for them to play on; there would be a man spraying the slide as the kids passed by.

before i went to the park i went to the veterinarian so i could change the date for lumbia's appointment (she's due for a checkup soon). the office appeared to be closed a half-hour early. i was confounded by this but i trudged on, as the park was in close vicinity anyway. as i was walking i heard a conversation happening about 'the wiz'... something to the effect of, 'yeah, diana ross and michael jackson are in it. and he had a big afro.' they didn't seem to remember who else was in it. i walked across the street and i informed them that i heard them speaking of 'the wiz'. one of the women sitting outside mentioned they were thinking about going to see it in the park. my eyes lit up and i opined that they should go. the woman asked me if i remembered who else was in it, besides you and diana ross. i did mention some other names, and i spoke of my love for you. i told them i was putting on an event for you in the park at the end of the month, as well as doing a radio show. i also mentioned that i had been writing a book for two years.

in the midst of conversation a tiny toddler walked up close to me and said, 'we are gonna go see mikah jakson tonight!' i just fell in love right there. it's amazing how little kids who may not even realize the wealth of your art get so excited about you. i think they know anyone who seeks the truth of love, whether or not they physically know that person. i showed everyone the shirt i was wearing with your likeness (as i was displaying my love) and one of the older children said to me that she loved my jewelry. she asked me if i was hot, with all the clothes i was wearing (i am quite fond of layers; besides, it doesn't really get THAT hot here). i told her that i was from new york, so the weather we were having was not that hot at all. she mentioned that she was going to a wedding, and was going through the desert to get there. she also mentioned that she was working on her bicycle because by the time they would get back from the film it would be dark.



i bid them all adieu, and hoped i'd see them at the park later on. as i continued on i ran into a pair of brothers, who were just messing around as brothers (who were about the same age) are want to do in the middle of a summer's day... when i see children i usually say hello to them. but these two beat me to it. in ever a playful mood they both eagerly waved hello to me. with the same excitedness i waved back. i told them hello in spanish; i though i had heard them speak to me in spanish, so i responded accordingly. i also asked how they were in spanish. their mother (or adult companion) smiled with a sort of comfort, or amusement. i began to run, and the kids ran with me. they kept waving hello, and i kept waving back. it was one of the most touching moments i've ever had in my life.

whenever i have these moments with children i recognize the light you had in your eyes...

in between all of this and going to see the film i went to run errands, you know, the 'adult stuff'... i went to my work to pick up some food to eat during the film and i saw a young man with his trousers extremely baggy (so much where they were on his legs as opposed to his waist). personally i don't find that to be very attractive. and taking with the socio-political history of the 'sagging trousers', i am not sure i get why others find it attractive. (i'm not sure if anyone told you that bit of history, as you came from a generation which did not wear their trousers like that. but the 'sagging trousers' derive from when black boys and men were hung on trees, where a large portion of the town would celebrate their hanging. as part of this celebration, the one who was hanged would have their privates cut off. the trousers would be let to hang so as to show their 'manhood' had been taken away).

this is so intriguing to me, when it comes to you, teacher... people would always say things about you, about how you were 'less of a man' than other men, because of some of the things you said or did, without looking at WHY you may have done some of those things. yet so many others do things which have a history of pain attached to us. people wear really large trousers so as not to fit on them, perhaps as a reaction to 'tight pants' (which are said to be 'not manly' it is a psychological manliness, so to speak... however, the style of pants they DO wear has a real, physical history of 'manhood-snatching'. life's ironies can be quite funny sometimes.

with this i saw the young man outside, and i said to him matter-of-factly, 'pull up your pants, young man'. i felt like a parent. the young man (he looked to be around my age) turned around and responded, "oh, you're checking me out? you think i'm sexy?" i said, "nope. i'm just saying to pull your pants up." there is a time and a place to explain these histories to people... everyone is not always receptive to what you will give them. body language is everything. however, he was receptive to my statement, and when he realized i was serious (but not condescending) he gave me a look and pulled his trousers up a bit (if not all the way). if i see him again i'd love to speak with him about the histories of this style. i wonder if he thought about the consequences of his actions as he pulled them up. perhaps so, perhaps not.

one thing i am learning more and more (i knew this but i had lost it over the years) is that you must open yourself up to giving people the benefit of the doubt. this opens up to spontaneity. i am not so sure if anybody would have told him to pull his pants up. people just ride off folks who dress a certain way as being socially insignificant, and the base of these relationships are of fear. if you are to move about in the world with a desire for 'true freedom' you have to lose so much of the fear. was he receptive to my comment about his trousers because i called him 'young man'? i don't know. but my hope is that i created some sort of an impact (particularly with my matter-of-factness).

it is also curious that he associated my comment about his trousers as having some sort of sexual connotation. we have become so conditioned in this society to believe any and every gaze is either set for mating or violence. we aren't allowed to just be. i don't know how you coped with all of that, teacher... i realize you used a lot of that energy as part of your performance; but in your private life i'm sure it was difficult for you to always be put in a position to take sides, when asked if you were in a 'relationship'. of COURSE you were in a relationship. you've had many: with fans, with friends, with family. but people hardly asked you about that. it was always, do you have a girlfriend? do you want to be married... as if those types of relationships guarantee more happiness or satisfaction than the platonic or familial kinds. i've been put in that position as well, but obviously not like you have.



anyways, back to the park... the sun was getting ready to set for the film to be watched, and there were SO many kids! my heart just melted. there were so many kids there to see the brilliance of your art. i take the doll of your likeness out, and the kids loved it! i think some of them found it a bit strange a 'big person' like me would have a doll (which i carry around everywhere with me), but nevertheless they were fascinated!!! they would go 'is that michael jackson?', and the parents (all mothers) would laugh. there was one really small child (one who just learned some body parts) who enjoyed the doll tremendously. when i asked where the doll's head was, he pointed to it! when asked about the nose, he pointed as well... he kept holding the doll's hand. it was wonderful. devin (one of the people i went with-both devin and rebecca went spontaneously with me) told me i was really good with kids. i don't know about that; i just know i love them.

the movie began, and as the opening credits rolled your name came up... everybody clapped! i think it's funny that now you are no longer physically here, people realize the greatness of your art. or were they simply paying respects? either way, it's a good thing.

i danced the whole time during all the songs, and i said the lines right along with you. i anticipated your entrance as the scarecrow (everyone clapped again after your introductory song) and i felt sad after your exit. i cried a bit more this time, because the concept of 'home' meant so much more to me on this day. even devin cried a bit. when dorothy returned home after her experience, i knew. i just knew. i rode home on my bicycle singing the song out loud, and i cried a bit there as well. i got home (no pun intended), i listened to the song on the turntable, and tears streamed down my face.

all of the wonder of children, and the spontaneity of the day was home for me, if just for that moment. and i looked over to my right as i was riding home, and i saw you there; you were smiling. i know i saw you smiling.

thank you for being there with all of us on this day.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 34)

when one transcends, a new life is born. that doesn't discount the life of the one who has transcended; instead this should encourage us to take what we have learned from those who left this plane and apply it to the next generation.

i spoke with my mother yesterday (she loves the phone as much as i do, sarcastically speaking). she told me that it was good i was sounding better. she was worried about me as well, and called a few times to check up on me. i told her that i was sad, but i am feeling better (some days i feel better than others in relations to you but as i said, i can laugh these days. and that's a good thing). she then spoke about how you were all over the news. she was inundated with information about you. i responded with stating, the reason i feel better is because i don't pay attention to the news. she opined that it was a good thing i don't pay attention to the news.

i spoke with my aunt too... she knows what it is like to lose someone close to her; she lost a son by gunshot. my once-extremely optimistic aunt became inconsolable around this time, and i felt at a loss as to how i could help her. i lost a cat friend around this time as well (due to cancer), and i was devastated by that. this was a few years ago, and she is feeling much better about life now.

i will not state the old cliche of life being precious; in a funny way, preciousness would require a neglect of the struggles. preciousness requires that we hold our lives so delicately as to not be broken. but we are broken in so many ways, due to cycles of violence we act out in so many ways- from the minute to the epidemic.

of course, the word precious ultimately defines worthiness or something of high value (which is how we should treat each other, and ourselves). however, when we view something as precious we handle it so delicately, like a fine piece of glass, or artwork. therefore for me, when i look at the value of life i want to examine all of it. when we look at both the good and the bad, some glass may break along the way, if we are to truly halt this conditioning of the cycle of violence.

this begins with us examining what we have learned from those who are still here, and those who have transcended. we take what we have learned, and we provide the next generation with a better framework and overstanding of ceasing this cycle.

i would like to emphasize that it is we who are fragile (a word attributed to something which is precious, like glass), not life itself. when we transcend, life will still be here. life has many tales to tell of our fragility. we can just "follow the pattern of the wind"...


i spoke with my niece as well yesterday... i think the state of youth is definitely precious, yet those who make up the youthful generations have strength enough to withstand the direct effects of the cycles of violence, if they are surrounded by a stronger force of love. i see my niece in this way.

she has spent a significant part of her life with my mother, who is of course, MY mother. my mother has done a tremendous amount of healing work (particularly since her husband transcended) but still, she is so rooted in negativity and 'the cycle' that she seems reluctant to move beyond a sort of hopelessness. my mother has so much potential... but as you know, you can't make anyone do anything they don't wanna do. my niece though, despite some negative environments she may encounter, is growing to realize her potential more and more.

she had a stage where she hated her hair and parts of her physical self (i recognize this pattern and i'm sure you do too, teacher); but she's become so occupied with artistic activities (like dance and music lessons) that she appears to have surpassed this stage. that precious little one is growing up to have an armour of strength and autonomy. i know she will make it out a lot better than you or i did, teacher. this is the biggest gift of all- to know the next generation will succeed, both mentally and physically.

i spoke with her the day after her day of birth. i know she struggles emotionally sometimes (she is still a recipient of the cycle of violence in some ways- i've spoken to her when she was in tears), but even through her sadness she shines. she was adamant that she wanted to come to visit me. i told her that i wanted to see her too, and that we would work it out. the last time i saw her, she was about 5 years old. we shared some laughs some smiles (i asked her how tall she was and she said she didn't know) and some initial stages of plan making... most of all we shared love.

we can never let moments such as that slip away... i know you knew that... i see the images of you with children, and i saw the peace on your face. i saw how you accepted the gifts they shared with you from their hearts, and the hands and kisses you placed upon their heads for comfort. despite your stature as a public figure, when you've done this it did not echo political opportunism.

is it possible your love for children may have stemmed from your experiences at the hands of the cycle of abuse? you openly felt that children represented the 'face of GOD'; but some of these 'faces' have also lived in the same or similar cycle as you or i. that would be up to us to inform them of the alternatives to the cycle. and to not give up on them when they leave childhood. we can't leave them, when we know that there is a world out there which anticipates their failure, and discourages autonomy and community.



when you transcended you created a new awareness... there were suddenly hundreds of people acknowledging your humanity and making those connections between you and the cycle you grew up in. for better or for worse, they were still doing it. at times i have gotten frustrated and i ask, 'why didn't the lot of you vocalize his humanity when he was physically here?!' i become so weary thinking about that. i try to think, well, to humanize you now is better than not doing it at all. still, it makes me wonder how much we value each other whilst we are still sitting here amongst each other.

and i get weary sometimes as well, when people come up to me and send me their condolences (believe it or not, it's still happening to this day). because it never leads to a discussion about what you mean to them, or about the larger consequences of your life and transcendence. so i am left just going, 'thank you, thank you...' i see such potential in discussing the larger picture, because so many people have a point of reference when it comes to you. it may not be all the same, but we can start somewhere. and when we start we can learn from each other.

i am learning how even though we are so vulnerable/fragile, life supports us in the best way possible; but life cannot do it alone. the best example i can give is the plant i mentioned to you so long ago, teacher... the plant which recently blossomed a fourth leaf is now sprouting a fifth bud. after all this time of nothing growing, within months there happened to now be two leaves. somehow the plant may have felt enough love or care around, in order to grow new leaves so suddenly. i can only hope this is the case.

such is the wonder and strength of life... even though you are not physically here i feel you speaking to this; you have left a legacy we can all grow from. those of us still here can create a positive impact and encourage the next generation so they live better than previous generations- with the knowledge they are surrounded by love at all times.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 33)

people will never let me forget...

for some people i will forever be associated with you. someone said to me today, "when i heard the news i wasn't concerned about michael, i was concerned about YOU!" his concern for me, like most people who have approached me in this way, seemingly may be related to the slight hope that i did not become so distraught that i hurt myself over you. body and face language; and tones are important to determine cues which are not so vocal. i was also the first person he thought of when he heard the news, he said. i am still receiving this commentary, teacher...

it looks like i'm stuck with you... i may be having these conversations with you for a while.

i keep thinking of your eyes. those phenomenally beautiful eyes. and i just thought of an exercise i learned when i was training to be a yoga teacher some years ago: a meditation in trust, where you just stare into someones eyes for a period of time. when i first learned this exercise i cannot tell you how extremely difficult this was to do. but if i was to be a confident teacher i had to test myself. looking into someone's eyes, and having them look into yours with full attention (and intention) is difficult because it requires that we maintain some level of vulnerability. this is a huge aspect in trust.

you know the test where you fall back to see if the person behind you will catch you? i'm sure you know about that one, teacher. you have to be vulnerable enough to allow yourself to willingly fall, and trust you will be supported. the eyes are the same way. you have to trust you are able to be vulnerable with someone who will not steal your soul. it took me a very long time to look into someone's eyes for long periods of time in conversation. i have not done the staring meditation in years (and i have not taught yoga classes in years). no other classes i have been to do not utilize this form of meditation.



in a world (and sometimes familial situations) which consistently deprives of of reaching our full potential (and in the process ravages the soul) it always feels safer to look down, eyes fixed on the ground. as a popular figure you stared into the camera's gaze. you trained yourself to look at the interviewer. however, there are many times where you were lost for words or you were uncomfortable- these are the moments your eyes dart across the room, remain locked to whatever object you can stare at... or you just wore sunglasses. and occasionally took them off "for the girls in the balcony".

i look into your eyes all the time, as much as i can. is it a trust issue with me? not necessarily, as we've never met in person. but i can say i learned a lot about my vulnerability through looking at you. looking into your eyes has given me a better ability to look at others... because i have been talking so much about your transcendence. when i look into people's eyes i can feel your spirit there. i cannot say that you are always there, but i know you are speaking to (and through) people in some way.

the person who shared his concern with me mentioned how disturbing it was, that there was a poetic beauty in the 'good dying young'... he opined that those who were inherently good left this world violently; the beauty/irony of their 'deaths' lends even more to their goodness.

later on i see a message from a friend of mine, stating that he just heard your song, 'they don't care about us' for the first time... it seems as if from his writing this statement he never saw you in a political context (only a popular culture one), so he never really examined the impact you made, on all ends. i responded to him that you are underrated as an artist, and that your political voice has been severely overlooked/disregarded. you may not have considered yourself to be a political person, but you have made such an impact on others (including my friend) with songs like 'they don't care about us'. you continue to open eyes with your messages every day, even after your transcendence.

every day i look at you with new eyes; they are open and ready to learn some more. and i will never forget.

your humble student,
jamilah