michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 13)

this grieving bit is some serious business, ain't it?

it's been helping to have conversations with you though... your voice calms me; you bring balance and a rational perspective. i have been screaming so loud to you all day, teacher, and you have been patient with me... you just told me to listen to my heart. you told me to let go of my anger if for one moment. you told me you knew how much i loved STEVIE, and i should not value my love for him less than my anger for the whole memorial.

and so i watched his dedication to you... i placed my hand over my heart and my eyes became watery... and then the camera kept moving to your picture, as STEVIE played 'i never dreamed you'd leave in summer' and 'they won't go when i go'... because your physical being left us in the summer, teacher... just as summer was beginning. you took with you those summer days, and brought the cool winds to portland. and my anger washed away if but one moment...



i wish i could say it were gone for good.

well, it's not so much ANGER as it is that returning frustration and tiredness. the cycle begins again... stage two... i am just so tired, yet again, of being inundated with news, links, analyses, and all these other words about you... they begin to jumble together after a while. i try to ignore it but they just keep popping up. all of these people trying to pick you a/part once they've found some realization of your 'sadness'... it just makes me want to stay inside, to prevent one more person from saying something to me. why is it that no one said anything before? why is it you've been screaming the whole time and people just called you strange? but now, they understand. they somehow GET IT.

we must be honest with each other, teacher... the only thing we know about you is what we know through ourselves... whatever we claim to know about you is simply how we perceive you. there's nothing too complicated there. we place our hopes and aspersions on you, either culturally or otherwise, because we desire you to be all things to all people. and with this you could never be... just yourself.

but we do not know you. and so, in your spirit we collectively attempt to figure you out, through words and theories. but all we need to do is just pay attention, and the answer is right there...



i appreciate this opportunity to be present in your class yet again...

your humble student,
jamilah