michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 30)

i am experiencing a bout of the 'empty nest' syndrome... rather, my heart is dealing with it. as i go through a process of cleaning my room i turn around and you are there, all over the place. your albums are sitting there, facing me. images of you meet me at eye level. my eyes dart across the wall chronologically, to see if i've missed out on anything. i grasp on to anything, to fill my heart with whatever is left of you.

my heart does not feel at home because it is empty. it feels better when i know you speak to it. i keep thinking of the songs you sang, and the one song in my head is so true for my heart right now. because in writing for two years, i searched to find myself in some way (that never-ending journey) but all i saw was you. you were in my thoughts, my dreams. you came up in conversations. i made significant friendships because of you. and now... i don't feel at home in my heart. and i want to go there.

i don't want you, or anyone else to mis-understand me... i am not saying that i cannot go on without you. i am just saying that there is a huge void since you left. and i don't know if it will be easy to fill. so many of your songs take me to places in my own life... "gotta find a way somehow/even though you're gone"... lisa (who is the editor of a paper which continues to honor you, with massive responses) told me today that there are a lot of people feeling this void- people like me who feel they have no others to grieve with.

there has to be a way for all of us to get together... there has to be a way for all of us to merge our grieving hearts together, to find a place where we feel at home in a world which isolates us. it is now a brand new world without your physical presence, and it still doesn't seem real in many ways, but one thing you have left behind is your legacy in seeking the truth of love (i cannot emphasize that more than i have been)- and that IS real. in this unfamiliar world we must look within to find that same truth- especially if we have to do it alone.

and if we look deep enough, we can really get home. it's been difficult thus far, but with our patience and your guidance we can find it together.

your humble student,
jamilah