teacher, i don't know if things are gonna get better for a while... and i'm not really talking about myself...
someone i know was asking me about the number 13, and i couldn't figure out why she kept saying that... she made a connection with the thirteen dolls i have of your likeness... she figured i put a doll out for each day, until it reaches 13, i suppose... i just figured out why today was so strange though... you were to perform in england on the 13th. you were to perform the songs your fans wanted to hear...
as angry as i was with you for doing this tour, the one saving grace for me was that you let the fans in on the process... this told me that surely, this was the last opportunity for people to see you in that incarnation: on the stage. it's not that you'd necessarily given up (i am trying to think positive here) but you are thanking the fans for all the support they've given you over the years. i'd like to think that when you'd risk your safety by inviting girls on the stage with you when you performed 'she's out of my life', or that one time a fan managed to climb on the riser with you as you are performing 'earth song'... i believe it was 'earth song'... you could not let anyone on stage with you, considering all the grabbing you've gone through over the years... but you've given these fans an experience they will never forget.
this is the thing i love about you and find so interesting: that utter contradiction. at the same time it ISN'T a contradiction. the stage was the one place you said you'd felt safe, and YET, you allowed people you didn't know into that safety zone; simultaneously creating a space of what i'm sure the fans felt was love. you let them in on a portion of your life's experience, and that's more than a lot of performers do. it's always amazed me how accessible you made yourself sometimes... shaking peoples' hands whilst walking about in a shopping center with your daughter; signing autographs before you step in your car... my reasoning for this is that you were always protected by some kind of force.
and i hope that same force is protecting you now.
i am just seeing things not getting better for you down here. i wonder constantly if your spirit is okay, or are you hurting just as much as when you were here... i know that you are in a better place, but does being in a better place necessarily mean that you are at rest?
all i know is that you are not here to defend yourself, and because you aren't people are capitalizing off of your name, moreso than before... i anticipate the queue of books coming out, possibly films... i anticipate more of a focus on the drug use (amongst other things), and less on the causes. the results, and not the roots...
i anticipate more people coming to me, expecting that i have answers, or wondering if i've been following any news developments of what is going on, when i haven't. people are still coming to me; people who haven't seen me in a while... at least since all of this happened. it all just makes me so sad, and frustrated. i almost cried several times talking about you today because of this. i don't care about speculation; all i know is what i feel in my heart.
it would be really nice to have a full day of quiet time; where my space is clean, and my mind is clear. and i can just talk with you.
please be patient with me, my dear teacher.
your humble student,
jamilah
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