i know it has been a while since we last spoke in this form, but i needed a lot of room to think... you have been within my heart in other ways so obviously this is not the only way. but this is a way for me to be able to seem to make sense, to myself, and perhaps others...
it has indeed been a full year since your transcendence. within this time the initial stages of grief have come back full circle; i find myself questioning (whether or not you know it) myself, and my feelings. it still does not seem real that you have physically left us, although i have come to terms with you being in a much better place than this. i find great relief knowing this. the contradictions arise aplenty in the circling back of this grief period. i find myself becoming angry at myself and others around me.
i have been feeling very mis-understood and isolated. i have been feeling quite alone in my feelings for you. i feel as if my concerns in terms of your transcendence seem so distant from others' concerns... i realize that people want to reach out but i end up recoiling...
...like, when people ask me if i have seen 'this is it'. people still ask me this to this day. i feel i am very open in my refusal to see this 'movie'. at the same time i realize that everyone does or may not know this. i don't have an emotional attachment to you where i have to see every single thing produced of you posthumously. that is not the relationship i have with you. however, i realize that not everyone knows this. so, when people ask me if i have seen this 'movie' and i tell them that i have not due to my refusal to see it they ask me why. when i tell them my reason (which is that i believe that AEG is the organization which, shall i say, murdered you), people stop and either look at me as if i am crazy, or they become quiet and sort of move away. as if my reasoning holds no value.
again, my relationship to you is not that of fan and icon/celebrity/performer. so i hold no attachments to relics when you are within me the whole time. your teachings remain within me. i cannot be mad at someone who does want to hold on to a 'final' image of you. but i don't think people should expect me to feel the same way. everyone's love for you is not the same.
there's so much more happening than my experiences in discussing this 'movie', but i will leave it there.
despite all this, i feel that the love i have for you is isolating, indeed. just recently i was called 'disturbed', because i openly considered you the greatest teacher to exist on this plane... i do not state that lightly. i will not go into details here as to why i believe this (i think you already know- if others want to know they can ask me). i do truly believe you were speaking from higher levels. what you were speaking was simply, a reflection of us all.
the deeper i get into openly stating your teachings, the more grief i get. as of late i am on the verge of crying myself to sleep sometimes. it's as if everything i am doing is worth nothing. it's like, if you are told something enough times you start to believe it. i know you know how that feels. frankly i am tired of being called crazy, and i know i have learned to be stronger than to think this is the case, but so much of this is killing me in many ways.
there are so many levels to this. i keep looking within myself, and it's hurting. it's circular all over again, like when i was heavily writing the book, the book which began the relationship between me and you. it was very painful to be in that place and now i feel like i'm in the same place. i know i have to hold on (i aim to spread your teachings no matter what) but you have to realize how difficult this is.
i do recognize that what i am experiencing are the levels of that vibrational energy- what i am receiving i may also be presenting... the waves of energy are turbulent within me. sometimes i have so much energy and other times i feel at a loss. i see you, and my heart sinks. because i know there is still so much work to be done. and i know i am not alone but it feels that way most of the time.
sometimes it shows on the outside... but much of the time i DO smile, just like the words of your favourite song. in the past few days, alone in my room, i just cry. amidst the summer sun it's just cloudy inside. i also know that everything in life is a lesson but lately a lot of what i am feeling is mistakes. and that i don't have the capacity to fulfill everything i want to.
something has to change. i am doing my best but in the process it would be nice to have someone on this plane to be there with me.
because sometimes i don't know if even you're hearing me.
if i am loud enough, or if i'm saying the right things, i don't know... i mean, what even IS the right thing?
it's interesting, because i am returning to the quick note you wrote back in 1987- "...most people don't know me, that is why they write such things in which most is not true. i cry very often because it hurts and i worry about the children... animals strike, not from malice but because they want to live, it is the same with those who criticize, they desire our blood, not our pain. but i still must achieve i must seek truth in all things."
all these things people say about me, and the looks they give, i know that it's all about perception but sometimes it hurts. well, a lot of the time it hurts. and it's been hurting a lot more lately than usual.
love,
jamilah
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