michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 12)

we're back to square one... sort of. kind of. this is why i can never guarantee anything when it comes to this...

i woke up today, in the midst of your memorial. with a driving sadness... i didn't expect to be that sad today, as last night i came home, combing my brain yet again in terms of what to say to you- i know what i want to say but i never know HOW- and i found the plant that had been falling down was wide awake!!! you see teacher, i was so happy some weeks ago because this plant had grown another leaf, after a couple of years... but when you... transcended, it was like the plant became sad. i tried talking ans singing but nothing worked. there was a report someone told me about some time ago, and it said that plants don't really like classical music (why this would be assumed, i don't know) but they like YOUR music. this doesn't necessarily work for the plants HERE, though. maybe they like certain songs...

but i got home to find the plant awake and alive!!! and i wondered if this had anything to do with you speaking with him. of course my thoughts went directly to E.T., in the scene where elliot was broken up because his friend got captured to be experimented on. and when his heart stopped beating the plants withered. elliot was in the midst of drowning in tears when his friend's heart began to glow, and E.T. came back to life!!! and the plants felt that life and acted accordingly.

i suspect this could be congruent with my relationship to you, where even in your transcendence you are alive in me, and have given me life to go and create and affect positive changes.

HOWEVER!!! still, i woke up to an almost debilitating sadness, where i could not get up. i just kept waking and falling asleep. and while i was in the midst of this, your song kept flowing through my head. and when i finally got out of bed the song became clearer and clearer. "i can't help it, if i wanted to..." i wondered why this specific song, my favourite song of yours, ran often through my mind at this time (to paraphrase one of the lines). was it you talking to me? was it you just reminding me of the beauty of life, in a plant, or a song?

was it you just letting me know that, despite any worries or anger regarding this memorial to you happening as i was sleeping, that YOU were okay?

is it true that all these conversations really AREN'T one-sided, and you really are listening to me?

the universe has interesting ways of speaking and responding... today, after all my sadness about not having anyone to grieve here in portland, i got an e mail from someone about connecting. i also had an extremely long conversation with someone who is working on healing as well... and we spoke about you. and our hearts went out to your children and we hoped they'd be safe. and we spoke about you and your sadness... she told me i should finish the book. EVERYBODY says that teacher, but i am still looking to you for guidance. when the time is right, you will tell me. i know this. it doesn't hurt to ask, though.

speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.11)

i've been at a meeting all day for eight hours, and i'm tired... all day i have been figuring out what i wanted to say to you and more importantly, HOW to say it... to this day i'm still getting the "i'm sorry" comments about your transcendence. that is pretty amazing to me; in that so many people, more people than i could have imagined, have recognized and acknowledged my love for you.

what i wanted to say most of all to you right now is that i do not have a good feeling about your memorial tomorrow. and i know you won't take this personally (because i think at this point you know i love you) but i will be boycotting the event. i do not HAVE a tv in the first place in which to watch it; but also i won't be rushing to someone's house or shop to watch the events unfold. i'm sure your family and the organizers mean well; but i have a feeling deep in my heart that this really is not for the fans, and more for some notion of prominence. it's difficult for me to put in words how i feel. but somehow i think you know what i mean.

is it actually true that only those living in the north american territories were able to apply to this ticket lottery (i really hate that word when applied to your rememberance)? my heart goes out to any fans who have travelled all the way to become enveloped in your spirit, and will not be able to share their joys, or their memories. my heart ESPECIALLY goes out to any fans who are risking being arrested (or beaten, knowing the LAPD) just to be near any semblance of a ceremony in your memory. now is not the time for me to make judgements upon them; i just wish them safety, and positive energy in this time.

i am so tired, dear teacher. literally and figuratively. i am tired of being inundated with news about you- news that continues to scandalize you in your transcendence, or essays by people who never noticed your humanity before, and are now seemingly cashing in on it. this is nothing new; you've already spoken of this, but still... i am tired of not having people here to grieve with. i just want to switch off, but i know i have to go on, for that is the pro-active thing to do. i have returned to the words of wisdom in your book, 'dancing the dream', for inspiration. this is what keeps me going. it certainly is one thing to dream, but it is another to create that dream into a reality. i think the 'dance' you were talking about was the reality you presented to us, as an option we could take to better our interactions with each other. i continue to learn these things every day. and so i still turn to you for guidance and inspiration.

today though, i just want to fall asleep. i want to dwell in the comfort of my bed with lumbia at my side, at my feet... i know tomorrow is a new day, where new actions and ideas are born... tomorrow is a new day for me to honor you in my own way, whilst others will be paying tribute in massive crowds and cameras.

as i honor you every day in my own way, i for sure want to officially recognize your transition, with a ceremony... i want to recognize my finally growing acceptance of this fact (surprisingly, i have not engaged in the 3rd and 4th stages of grief). the first stage is slowly withering away, and the second stage still exists- but i overstand that i am not able to control what people say about you. all i can do is hope that they one day will learn from your messages as i, and many others have.

i ask you to allow me to remain with you as this period of acceptance approaches. i ask you to allow me to continue to honor you after this grieving period has long ceased. i ask that you allow me to confer with you every once in a while-i'm still thinking about a book, you know. not only this, but you have assisted in what i consider to be another stage, another beginning for me. i will never stop thanking you for that.

i just ask that you let me know you're doing okay up there (and around us) sometimes. knowing you are at peace will bring me peace.

thank you for this opportunity to chat with you again.

speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 10)

i feel that in my talking/writing to you, this is helping me feel better. i still feel an extremely deep sadness (and a significant amount of disbelief), but in speaking with you it is helping me come to terms better with this acceptance stage. i am still not able to really listen to your music right now, or to watch too many of your videos... i want to cherish what you have given to the world but i still need some time.

i woke up today with your spirit on my mind... yesterday i kept waking up every hour... i know you are still amongst us, overseeing us. because you have not even gotten to rest yet. no one will let you rest yet, eh?

every aspect of our lives lends a learning experience. as for me, i must say i truly wasn't open to the full range of things i could learn, or even be, until i met you. i thank you for allowing me to further open the doors of self-discovery and realization. i must thank you for letting me know i really wasn't alone in my pain; and that it was truly possible to be able to heal from that pain. you may not have felt you were able to find a space in which to heal, but i must tell you that in meeting you a lot of old wounds were opened that i had closed up for years, and i was forced to face the ultimate decision to either continue the cycle of (self) violence or allow others into that space of pain, with the possibility that they may help me on my healing journey.

it's been a long road, dear teacher, and this learning experience has been extremely difficult. but i know it's not through. in all of the struggles i have had in these past couple of years, and throughout my entire life- in the struggle to just get up in the morning to face the day... in the basic struggle to just not even want to live- through your transcendence i realized that i MUST live. if you have taught me anything, it's that we all share pain on varying levels, regardless of species. we are all just tiny beads on this large weave of a planet. in all of our degrees of pain we need to be patient and share the gift of empathy. in meeting you, my relationships with children have gotten better, and i have learned not to hold grudges. i've acknowledged that my anger is temporary, and i should allow it to happen, without remaining there.

i am still learning about issues of intimacy. i have difficulties with it. what i want and expect is different from most people i know, so i struggle with it. i struggle with it like you did, teacher, because we have both been hurt by people who were supposed to love us. i have learned to forgive, but i still am grappling with letting go, on a relationship level. because 'letting go' symbolizes a sort of extreme rejection for me.

as you know, the 'adult world' is a cold place. i have been fortunate to be around people (adults) who employ a childlike spirit, without shame... but what about that 'outside world' i have been mulling over these past days? i dread going there, teacher... i know you did too... in this 'adult world' are too many distractions and not enough wonder and loyalty...

with all of this, in your transcendence i have learned that i would like to keep your legacy of life alive... i want to show the world what you have taught me. i want to show the world that it IS possible to heal... and that we really COULD change the world, just like you said.


this fact was none more poignant today, than when i spoke with my niece... she cried to me on the phone, as she told me of how her grandmother/my mother closed herself off, locking the door... saying she does not want to speak to her. she said many other things, teacher, but in my nieces tears i recognized the pattern that was instilled in me. i remember what tiffany said to me the other day, how i shut people out by initiating conversation that may be out of place for the mood... this is my way of protecting myself.

but in knowing my mother LITERALLY shut her granddaughter out of her life, if just for a few minutes, in realized that i could not let that cycle of violence continue to children anymore... and i have to look at how i'm contributing to it myself. my sister is making the best efforts to make sure her daughter will not internalize the same type of violence that was brought upon us as children. my niece's tears brought me back to my own tears as a child; where my mother shut me out as well, with the calls of 'ugly' and 'worthless'... does this sound familiar, teacher?

the one gift my mother did bring my sister and i throughout all of this pain was the gift of music. in her pain (and massive fights with her husband) your music was played. in the interview i did with my mother for the book i was writing on you, she said that she did see some of you in herself. i think people dealing with pain and histories of abuse could recognize others going through it, no matter the geographical distance.

and throughout all of your pain, this is the one gift you wanted to give to people. you wanted to tall your stories- OUR stories, through your art. but people did not listen. and thus this cycle of violence, to children and ourselves, continues. you wanted to use music as a healing tool, but at this point you must realise, my dear teacher, that in terms of the way the world is working that isn't enough. self-reflection is also crucial to this experience. and i sincerely wish you had an opportunity to know what that felt like in this life, in your physical manifestation.

and in learning more about your pain, i became more open to my own. and our pains became intertwined. i knew something had to be done. but i struggled with knowing what that was. some would say therapy is the answer, but it requires more than that. some would say prayer, but it requires more than that as well.

and in these last couple of days, i got it.

honesty.

this is what you wrote once, teacher: "In spite of the risks, the courage to be honest and intimate opens the way to self-discovery. It offers what we all want, the promise of love."

i thought i WAS being honest, in all my opening up to people about my experiences and finally discussing my pain, making the assumption that that was all a part of my healing experience. but if i am going to be truly honest with myself, i need to breathe.

in this grieving period, TWO people have told me that i needed to breathe. i never realized i was holding my breath that much. but in holding my breath, i know this is my way of suppressing something, to not allow all of the vulnerability to set in. because if i breathe i am going to just let it all out, and never stop crying. and i am more afraid of that than i thought i actually was.

even with all the crying i have been doing, i still was not breathing. this was just so impossible to register.

i have begun crying all over again... this is the reason i've chosen to take my life each day by the moment, because i never know where i am gonna be with this... i get so confused in this world, because i am told on one end that the grieving process should be as long as i need it to be. on the other end people seem un-phased by the grieving, and think it should be over.

but i cried as i saw your performance, yet again, of the one you dedicated to sammy davis jr... and yet again i realised those words belonged to you too... for if you were not there, dear teacher, i'd not want to open the door to see more of the possibilities. if you were not there, my and other generations would not be able to see the fragility of humankindness through one person, who seemed like he had it all, but needed as much love and care as the rest of us. you did indeed take that hurt, and that shame, and you fueled it into your art, in order to tell a story. i just want you to know that in my grieving i am still listening. and that, just as you said to your creative elder, i am here... because you were there.

thank you.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 9)

here i am again, teacher, coming to you for guidance in deciphering what is real and what is not; the truth versus the falsehood. i spoke with you out loud hours ago, where others could hear. but i want to, yet again, create an imprint that may well stick. i want, if only for a moment for this to just be you and me again.

i am refusing to read most articles written about you at this point... all the ones about your 'private life supposedly finally revealed, all the ones which exploit some sort of 'darker side' (when in fact that 'dark side' is one so many others share. it's what makes us human). this is the only way i am feeling better, by speaking with you directly, and writing this out. i am not speaking to you right now to know whether or not all of these things written about you are true; i personally do not care. what i am asking, requesting- BEGGING of you is to let me know that on tuesday your fans are gonna be okay. fans who most likely have travelled MILES to remember you, and to honor what you meant to them.



the reports coming out are perturbing to me. firstly, there is this 'ticket lottery' issue, yet again. didn't we just experience this situation, teacher? wasn't there the 'presale' situation which happened for your 'this is it' tour? not only this, but when i hear 'ticket lottery' i can only travel back to 25 years ago, when mass amounts of complaints forced you to cease the lottery system for you and your brothers' 'victory' tour. i suppose the difference is that people in 1984 paid $120, not to be sure whether or not they were gonna get tickets.

these are certainly diferent times, technologically. i admit to being one of the millions of folks attempting to retrieve a ticket for the tour you considered your "final curtain call". despite my reservations about this tour i was in the midst of writing my book, and i really did want to feel your physical presence, in order to get some closure. also, having grown up with your music my whole life, but never having seen you perform, my attitude was, 'why NOT?'

to have millions of people at the same time trying to get tickets- do you know what that is like? i'm sure you do. this time, for your memorial this coming tuesday (7 july) the tickets are free, but just like for your tour (which was to happen in seven days) the computers were overloaded, and there had to be another server created in order to meet the demands.

teacher... they are holding your memorial live in a few days, at the staples center in los angeles; the same place you were at for rehearsals for your upcoming tour. the staples center holds 20,000 people (the same as the O2 in england, where 'this is it' was gonna be). the nokia theatre (or L.A. live), adjacent to the staples center, is going to be airing it on giant screens for those who could not get into the main venue. nokia holds 7,100 people. why is it then, that AEG (the promoters of 'this is it' as well as this memorial) are only giving away about 17,500 tickets to the public? 11,000 of those tickets are going towards the staples center. are they claiming that those 9,000 seats are otherwise going to be filled with celebrities and others of that caliber? i mean, did you even personally KNOW 9,000 people? 9,000 people that you felt close to? yes, you are the most famous human on earth, but you can't be serious. why couldn't more of those tickets be reserved for the fans?

and why couldn't the nokia be filled to capacity with the fans, if they didn't want the fans to be in the main venue? this begs the question of if there are really going to be a certain number of tickets that AREN'T FREE... someone told me that the tiickets not established in the lottery would be old for $25. i've tried looking this up, and i only saw it on one site. therefore i cannot verify it. if this is truly the case i am far from surprised. also, if this is the case the proceeds from ticket sales should NOT go into the hands of AEG but rather an organization you contributed to, to help children.


i am confused and upset, teacher... i read that the area is going to be closed off from people who were not able to obtain tickets... i am SEVERELY OPPOSED to this, as many of the fans who have come to honor you do not live in this country. they have travelled miles to grieve with others who feel the same. they should be allowed to remain.

also, there have been notes of the organizers/family claiming that plans, in terms of performers and such, have not been finalized. i have a suggestion, my dear teacher: THE FANS. the fans should be part of this decision making process, if the organizers are serious about wanting the fans to share this moment. they are already grieving that your body will not be at the memorial. i think they should be allowed to be a vital part of it, as opposed to simply being observers. when all is said and done, it's the fans who have loved you unconditionally. they sat there every day and prayed for you and defended you when you were at your emotional lowest. i may have taken issue with your fans in general (as the claims that you were 'perfect' and 'GOD' were far-reaching, as NO ONE on this earth is perfect). but right now, in this moment i stand with them in their grief. as i am grieving too.

and so again, i come to you in earnest. i ask... BEG of you to please protect the fans in their grief, come tuesday. please protect the ones who choose to remain in this emotionally vulnerable time, to not be beaten by the police... please protect them, and allow them to use their experiences as a force for pro-activity and positivity. please allow, in this time of mourning for healing to happen.

thank you, once again, for your guidance.

your humble student,
jamilah


"the whole time i'd never seen
all you have spread before me
the whole time i'd never seen
that all i'd need was inside me"
-sinead o'connor

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 8)

my dear teacher... i'd like to have a little chat, just me and you; and i don't care if anyone else is listening. i speak with you every day of my life, but i don't know if you hear me... perhaps you are resting now, after 45 and three quarter years of never being able to do that. perhaps you are just making sense of all this, just trying to take it in, and ponder the physical world you left behind.

but i want you to know that in terms of the physical world everything has changed, but not much has changed at all. you are being talked about a lot down here. your records are selling a whole bunch- the top of the charts. that's what you wanted, huh? to be immortal, in some way. to maintain a legacy. even when you're not here to see it, you have revitalized a weakened industry.

even stranger though, is the sudden discussion of you in a socio-political context, by a wide range of interests. i have defended you on this scheme many a time, when only a few were willing to listen. some would even laugh at me and wonder why i've taken such an interest to you. 'because he represents all of us, in more ways than we care to think' i would say. and now, in your transcendence is the payoff... people are finally seeing how imperative you are in the discussion of our social structure, as opposed to simply a song and dance man. HOWEVER! at this time it's not even in my heart to discuss you in this way. all i can think about is how much i miss you, and if your children are okay. all the political discussion right now is secondary. this is shocking (even to me!), as socio-political discussions are what i'm known for having in some circles; and i'm sure if my sister is reading this, she may smile in some sort of mode of ironic victory. you once said that music is much more powerful than any politician... well, with all the discussion regarding you on such a level, i think that's another thing you happened to be correct about.

it's been a week, dear teacher, and it's been so lonely down here... i just saw on one of the many fan websites of yours that there is a sort of internet hotline for people who are grieving, and feeling isolated from everything else. i considered writing to them. i'll think about it. in your sadness and pain, i know the last thing you wanted was for others who love you to be sad and in pain.

everyone i know grieving in the same or similar ways i am live so far away, teacher... this makes it hard for me to deal with the 'outside world'. i just become so irritable, when people ask me questions or talk to me, when i am going through this. today of all days, people had to ask me so many questions... it always feels like when i'm in some sort of depression people want to approach me. but not when i am in a good mood. if i had people around me to grieve with i'd feel so much better. it would be easier to get through.

but you know what? people are STILL coming by to give condolences, and they are giving you things to honor you, and to put on your shrine (it's not REALLY a shrine, but that's the easiest thing to call it. if you have another name other than alter or shrine, let me know and i'll take it!). yesterday i got a handwritten note which said, amongst other things, to "keep believing in magic, and always keep the embers of love aglow." today, i got a card IN THE MAIL at my work, and it was from a woman i met ONCE, and she asked me about the shrine, and about you. she wrote that the conversation we had meant a lot to her, and that "(my) joy is what caught (her)", and that she "wanted to reach out to express care and concern... may the love (i) experience in (your) spirit continue to bring (my) heart joy. thank you for sharing."

my dear teacher... i thought i would be done with crying by now (that is something to the effect of what i wrote yesterday, i thought i would be done), but after reading this i went and cried... i did not realise to what extent i had reached someone with my love for you. you have taught me so much and i really wanted to share that with others. anyone who asked, i would tell them. but really, i didn't realise... i didn't realise how much you have lived in me, until i read this note, from this woman who was a stranger before this one-time incident. and she reached out to me in this moment. she doesn't even know me, and she reached out.

"when someone in the dark reaches out to you
and touches off a spark that comes shining through
it tells you never be afraid..."

i am crying again right now as i write this to you... i knew that i missed you, but i didn't realise how much. i have to go on for you, my dear teacher... i must honor you. and now i cannot stop crying.

"promise me we'll always be
walking the world together..."

i am so fortunate to have met you in the incarnation i did; and i sincerely hope you will continue to be my teacher. if i get upset, please do not be angry. i promise you that i won't remain fixated on this anger. i ask you to guide me in this grief, as i am feeling really afraid and lonely right now. i know it will not last, but still, i ask you to guide me.

"i believe you and i
could never really say goodbye-
wherever you may be,
i'll look up and see
someone in the dark for me!"

i love you very much, my dear teacher... wherever you are, please remember this.

with much respect,
your student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 7)

it has officially been a week... at this point the tears have mostly stopped, save a few sobs every so often during the day. we shall see what happens tomorrow... it is hard to gauge in terms of the tears, since i spent much of the day alone, riding a bicycle, or in the house. talking to people right now just frustrates me, since once again, i have no defined community of people to grieve with. i have been sharing this grief with people who love him just as much as i- except they live outside of portland...

at this point past the shock, there are just way too many triggers... i feel my heart constantly sinking. recently i was in the midst of reading a biography about him for the book i was writing- one of those dozens of books that came out during the hype of 'thriller' and 'motown 25'... i find it impossible to even finish now, much less open it. i feel like a mother whose child has finally left the nest to attend college or get married- i want to leave my room exactly the way it was on the day he... transcended... all of the posters on my wall, all of the dolls, the books. it's like i know he will return, but i really know he will not return in the same way i knew him.

all of these triggers... i look down at the book i was reading on the makeshift coffee table in my room, and i pick it up and open it. the page i opened - i have no idea what the context was, but my eyes could only see amongst the blurred text, "when he died, michael..." was the author talking about an artist? someone in his family? i have no idea, but i immediately shut the book and placed it back on the table. everywhere i go, i can't move without reading or hearing the number 25... this was the day it happened. this was also the age where he was globally recognized, as well as the number associated with his presenting the backslide (instantaneously patented as the 'moonwalk') to middle america, and the world.



as i was riding on my bicycle 'little susie' rushed through my brain... i felt sad, altering the introductory lyrics to suit how i was feeling, and still do feel: 'somebody killed... michael/the man with the tune...' all he wanted was to be happy, and to make people happy (just like any one of us)... he wanted to narrate to the world the joys and struggles of humanity. and consistently they have tried to physically silence him. until they finally did. he had a survivor's spirit... he DID fight so hard to live; he faught so hard for his art to live: within us and around us. and they killed the man with the tune.

i have all of these songs in my head that he's sung, but i can't bring myself to actually LISTEN to them. i can't even bring myself to even really listen to ANY music.

bilal was performing tonight. a few people made attempts to convince me to go see his performance, as surrounding myself with music and like minds would encourage the healing process... the truth is, i conferred with him most of all; i asked him if it was alright to go. he laughed and told me it was okay. he told me that it was okay to still be in a grieving period, but do not be stuck in it, due to my love for him. he said something to the effect of, 'do not miss out on things because of me'. i feel him speaking with me more...

i am sure he's aware of my frustration with the outside world- in general, and ESPECIALLY right now- but i know that he is right.

so... i did end up going to the venue but i ended up not attending the show. in the midst of waiting to get a refund (i did in fact get a ticket) i realized that i always feel out of place at shows like this; even though it feels wonderful to be around my people (as there are not a lot of us in portland) i feel so isolated, culturally... i feel so unsophisticated... all the women dressed up in their heels and fancy dress; their hair and nails all did up and their purses possibly filled with make-up... the men with their fancy loafers and their dinner jackets and derby hats... and there's me, with my shoulder bag, doll (which i have carried EVERYWHERE with me since it was given to me last year) and sequined glove... even though i am in my 30s (surely the same age group as the people going to the show) i feel like such a kid, so small in comparison... even though these situations won't make me change who i am and what i do, i still feel a bit insecure. it just makes me want to close up, and just go back home. just like i have been feeling all this week.

i got home and felt much more secure with lumbia.

and i did what i said i was NOT gonna do- i watched video footage of him in relation to his transcendence. i watched a video (supposedly one of the last rehearsals) of him practising with other dancers amongst a montage of trademark sounds and music... where the main theme was 'they don't care about us'. the only word i can think of in relation to this video is a word commonly used in relation to his transcendence- surreal. in light of his 2 1/2 minute speech officially announcing his "final curtain call" on 5 march of this year (i already wrote my feelings on this speech in an earlier blog entry); the pauses he made in between the screams were indeed, as my sister wrote to me, prophetic.

in this speech his voice, his cadence resonates in extreme ways with me, and it scares me. "these will be... my FINAL (his emphasis) show performances." the way he arcs his fingers together, to prove that he means every word he says. the way he wants to tell the world what is going on in his life- it would have been a perfect opportunity to hear, but he was drowned out by screams, and he never finishes his sentence. his semi-staccato phrasing made me think of the time he resigned in the middle of their show from performing with his brothers in 1984: the sheer relief in publicly stating that he cannot take this life anymore. his brevity in announcing this tour defines that there are no mere words for true relief. the way he moves his hands and his body in just as staccato a manner is forever imprinted in my mind. on 5 march i was not home, and i stood up until the early morning and waited for him to deliver this speech. i decided to go home as he had not yet delivered the speech, only to find it was delivered an hour late (he appeared as i was riding home). i ended up watching the speech later in the day.

the way i am feeling now, i have reverted back to the time i was 6 or 7 years old, watching 'thriller' for the first time... in watching the last ever practise of his life, as well as the video that showed the dancers auditioning to be on the tour with him- and the end of the video walking in the studio to greet the dancers, to their surprise- this has got me shaking. this shaking is a similar feeling i recall having in watching 'thriller'. i am going to use another adjective my sister used to describe how i feel about these videos: frightening. watching his last ever press confrence/speech; watching him practise for a last time and watching him greet the dancers is frightening. just to watch him , knowing what happened between three months to a day later is unbearable. i can only imagine how the dancers are feeling.

just as the soundtrack to the 'thriller' film gave me chills every time i heard it after watching it, i may not be able to listen to the HIStory album for a while, because of this association with the current events. as i find this album to be his artistic moment of truth, the fact that i saw a clip of him performing songs from this album one last time may tell us about what his state of mind may have been. if indeed his set list for this tour was a collection of songs his fans chose, it's quite telling about what OUR state of mind has become.

and to us, the world may just be a cold, frightening place.

and just like 'thriller', after watching these videos i don't know if i'll be able to sleep soundly. in watching these videos i have reverted back to stage one of this grief period... it just seems so unreal that i do not have my teacher here with us... i mean, he was just practising, wasn't he?

once again, i know for sure that life is not promised... but when that promise of transcendance finally comes, this acknowledgement does not guarantee that pain for everyone else does not appear... right now i am just shaking. my body aches, and my heart hurts.

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 6)

to think for two years, he was here... two years of my life, he was with me every single day... not one moment did i take for granted... but now, in his physical manifestation, he's out of my life...

i thought of this and i began to tear at work. i thought the tears were going to stop, i thought i was going to feel better... but i cried to one of my co-workers... everywhere i turn is his name; it's his pictures. HE IS STILL HERE! when i conceive of him in an abstract way; in terms of how he affects culture and society i feel more comfortable (for what it's worth, at this point in time). but when i speak of him in relation to myself i can do nothing but cry.

damned indecision. that's all it is. i am still torn, and confused. i have no pride at this moment... i have become completely vulnerable. i have kept my love for him anything but suppressed; it was inside of me, anxious to come out. what i HAVE kept inside (except to a few people) is the EXTENT of my love for him. because i don't expect people to understand.

for two years i have developed a love for him that i reserve for very few people... it is beyond any physical manifestation. it runs beyond the sexual, and even the platonic. it was a love which simultaneously angered me and gave me comfort. this love for him was rooted in self-reflection. he has transformed me, and manifested himself onto me. i was told the other day that i EMBODIED him...

as i have been saying, he was my life's teacher. but not only that, he WAS my friend. be became all of these transfigurations of 'family member/companion' (not unlike his apparent perceptions of the relationship he had with diana ross)... but these transfigurations are not as simple as one may think. i did not personally know him, so i could never define my relationship with him in terms of a literal experience. as i said, this is difficult for me to describe; particularly if i do not know you. in light of his... transcendence, where do i begin? the beginning will never be the same as with someone who has followed my progression in terms of my love for him.

to think for two years... he took this trip with me. he allowed me into his life, to look at him in order to find what was in myself. all i had to do was look into his eyes to know... over the course of these two years i have fallen in love with his flaws. his flaws were an immense part of his art. to discuss his flaws in relation to the physical is too limiting. doing this also aims to succeed at making us feel better about ourselves. to truly see who he is; to see his imperfections all one has to do is pay attention to his art. i find his imperfections to be beautiful, because it's reflective of his humanity. he was just as demanding, just as difficult, just as uncompromising, just as scared, just as insecure, just as fragile, just as romantic/idealistic/unrealistic, just as unreasonable, just as angry... as any of us. just as much as he was loving, inquisitive, proud, gracious, loyal, courteous, passionate, sympathetic. to not see him multi-dimentionally is a disservice to his character.and so, he's out of my life; affecting me in a way where i can't even listen to music at all. it wouldn't be so hard if i had some people to grieve with... if i didn't have to have what i feel to be trivial word exchanges with strangers, who smile and chuckle when i tell them i am in mourning. or try to convince me the dolls are now financially worth something. (and of course, to me they are- priceless!) or assume that i just got them due to the course of events. how do you explain to these people your relationship with someone you have never physically met?

i try not to be angry, but this loneliness is killing me...

when i come home i start to feel better, but the outside world makes me cry, because as comforting as some people have tried to be, i need to be around people who KNOW. and there has been too much stimulation. i have not been able to just sit and reflect yet, truly. it's just all too much for me right now. i have accepted all this but it still hasn't sunk in yet.

as angry as i am with the outside world, still...

i think if i were to truly sit and reflect i'd be afraid that i may just break down and never stop crying. tiffany already told me about this running away... i do acknowledge that it is a safety net for me, to just keep running, just keep busy. i got three hours of sleep before i had to go to work... i just need to keep writing, i need to keep my mind occupied. i must remind myself that writing is theraputic.

i feel so at a loss though... none of these words i write can never describe the pain i am feeling, and how much i love(d) him.

as of today it will have been a week since he has physically been out of our lives... and i haven't really laughed all week. all i know is that it doesn't cut, but it stabs. my heart hurts.