we're back to square one... sort of. kind of. this is why i can never guarantee anything when it comes to this...i woke up today, in the midst of your memorial. with a driving sadness... i didn't expect to be that sad today, as last night i came home, combing my brain yet again in terms of what to say to you- i know what i want to say but i never know HOW- and i found the plant that had been falling down was wide awake!!! you see teacher, i was so happy some weeks ago because this plant had grown another leaf, after a couple of years... but when you... transcended, it was like the plant became sad. i tried talking ans singing but nothing worked. there was a report someone told me about some time ago, and it said that plants don't really like classical music (why this would be assumed, i don't know) but they like YOUR music. this doesn't necessarily work for the plants HERE, though. maybe they like certain songs...
but i got home to find the plant awake and alive!!! and i wondered if this had anything to do with you speaking with him. of course my thoughts went directly to E.T., in the scene where elliot was broken up because his friend got captured to be experimented on. and when his heart stopped beating the plants withered. elliot was in the midst of drowning in tears when his friend's heart began to glow, and E.T. came back to life!!! and the plants felt that life and acted accordingly.
i suspect this could be congruent with my relationship to you, where even in your transcendence you are alive in me, and have given me life to go and create and affect positive changes.
HOWEVER!!! still, i woke up to an almost debilitating sadness, where i could not get up. i just kept waking and falling asleep. and while i was in the midst of this, your song kept flowing through my head. and when i finally got out of bed the song became clearer and clearer. "i can't help it, if i wanted to..." i wondered why this specific song, my favourite song of yours, ran often through my mind at this time (to paraphrase one of the lines). was it you talking to me? was it you just reminding me of the beauty of life, in a plant, or a song? was it you just letting me know that, despite any worries or anger regarding this memorial to you happening as i was sleeping, that YOU were okay?
is it true that all these conversations really AREN'T one-sided, and you really are listening to me?
the universe has interesting ways of speaking and responding... today, after all my sadness about not having anyone to grieve here in portland, i got an e mail from someone about connecting. i also had an extremely long conversation with someone who is working on healing as well... and we spoke about you. and our hearts went out to your children and we hoped they'd be safe. and we spoke about you and your sadness... she told me i should finish the book. EVERYBODY says that teacher, but i am still looking to you for guidance. when the time is right, you will tell me. i know this. it doesn't hurt to ask, though.
speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah
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