i've been at a meeting all day for eight hours, and i'm tired... all day i have been figuring out what i wanted to say to you and more importantly, HOW to say it... to this day i'm still getting the "i'm sorry" comments about your transcendence. that is pretty amazing to me; in that so many people, more people than i could have imagined, have recognized and acknowledged my love for you.
what i wanted to say most of all to you right now is that i do not have a good feeling about your memorial tomorrow. and i know you won't take this personally (because i think at this point you know i love you) but i will be boycotting the event. i do not HAVE a tv in the first place in which to watch it; but also i won't be rushing to someone's house or shop to watch the events unfold. i'm sure your family and the organizers mean well; but i have a feeling deep in my heart that this really is not for the fans, and more for some notion of prominence. it's difficult for me to put in words how i feel. but somehow i think you know what i mean.
is it actually true that only those living in the north american territories were able to apply to this ticket lottery (i really hate that word when applied to your rememberance)? my heart goes out to any fans who have travelled all the way to become enveloped in your spirit, and will not be able to share their joys, or their memories. my heart ESPECIALLY goes out to any fans who are risking being arrested (or beaten, knowing the LAPD) just to be near any semblance of a ceremony in your memory. now is not the time for me to make judgements upon them; i just wish them safety, and positive energy in this time.
i am so tired, dear teacher. literally and figuratively. i am tired of being inundated with news about you- news that continues to scandalize you in your transcendence, or essays by people who never noticed your humanity before, and are now seemingly cashing in on it. this is nothing new; you've already spoken of this, but still... i am tired of not having people here to grieve with. i just want to switch off, but i know i have to go on, for that is the pro-active thing to do. i have returned to the words of wisdom in your book, 'dancing the dream', for inspiration. this is what keeps me going. it certainly is one thing to dream, but it is another to create that dream into a reality. i think the 'dance' you were talking about was the reality you presented to us, as an option we could take to better our interactions with each other. i continue to learn these things every day. and so i still turn to you for guidance and inspiration.
today though, i just want to fall asleep. i want to dwell in the comfort of my bed with lumbia at my side, at my feet... i know tomorrow is a new day, where new actions and ideas are born... tomorrow is a new day for me to honor you in my own way, whilst others will be paying tribute in massive crowds and cameras.
as i honor you every day in my own way, i for sure want to officially recognize your transition, with a ceremony... i want to recognize my finally growing acceptance of this fact (surprisingly, i have not engaged in the 3rd and 4th stages of grief). the first stage is slowly withering away, and the second stage still exists- but i overstand that i am not able to control what people say about you. all i can do is hope that they one day will learn from your messages as i, and many others have.
i ask you to allow me to remain with you as this period of acceptance approaches. i ask you to allow me to continue to honor you after this grieving period has long ceased. i ask that you allow me to confer with you every once in a while-i'm still thinking about a book, you know. not only this, but you have assisted in what i consider to be another stage, another beginning for me. i will never stop thanking you for that.
i just ask that you let me know you're doing okay up there (and around us) sometimes. knowing you are at peace will bring me peace.
thank you for this opportunity to chat with you again.
your humble student,
July 21 Portland Resistance Calendar
1 day ago