michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 56)

my sister told me last night that she sensed that what i felt for you was obsession... she said she viewed it as such due to her lack of understanding.

we fear what we do not know. we admonish those we do not understand and question the unfamiliar.

with that it's very hard for me to explain my connection to you in a context without appearing 'obsessed'. in many ways, yes, my feelings for you lie beyond the teachings, as you know; but the teachings are the very things guiding our relationship. even describing a teacher/student relationship is difficult, as we've socially become accustomed to the idea of that sort of relationship confirming control and submission. the most important thing you can do, in order to truly learn anything, is to question your teacher. it obviously is not an equal or, even autonomous relationship- the teacher's role is one of guidance- however, any good teacher will acknowledge that lessons can also be learned from students.



i felt compelled to read a recent issue of vibe magazine in the store today, with an article regarding your work with various producers and songwriters in the last couple of years. the word 'redemption' was a part of the title of the article. consciously or unconsciously the author used this to frame the piece, utilizing the operative word in two ways, simultaneously taking on the role of a jury member in the so-called 'court of public opinion'.

on one end you have someone saying that you were in control of every situation on the creative end; on another you're being called "a robot", along with another statement in the article that alludes to your being under control for much of your life.

one of the portions which stuck out to me was a recollection of a conversation you had with ne-yo. "i'm not trying to follow any trends," he recalled of your statement. "i'm not trying to go back in time. i'm just trying to do quality music with a melody that's infectious and has a message." it struck me specifically because i personally realized this sentiment being your goal the whole time- to make art which was memorable and yet, maintain an overarching message of love (framed by the universal laws). in another recollection by akon, you said, "i want these songs to be happy... when people hear it, i want their hearts to be warmed up... i want people to get up and dance. i want them to be full of love."



despite this, as i read the article i could not help but think that the producers and songwriters, as well as the author of the article, continued to relegate you to their vision of what they best saw you doing, and that WAS something in the past. as i told you before, it's difficult to truly see your message and your teachings if you don't bother to look within. you can tell them that you want the outcome of what you do to be consumed by the energy of love, but from what i read in their interviews they were more concerned with their association with 'greatness' and being a part of this process of working on a hit record by a cultural icon. i did not see your teachings passed on to them at all. and they actually got to be in the PHYSICAL presence of a teacher...

again, we revert back to that control/submit relationship. those interviewed were surprised that you'd even open yourself up to hearing their criticisms, when again, that is what an effective teacher does.



the framing of 'redemption' in the article is certainly intriguing here... it obviously states nothing new. at the same time it's directed by a facade of humility. the love of those 'elementary things' you once lamented that people were not able to grasp were lost within all the sentiments of you making attempts to retain your cultural greatness. the article even had you lamenting that you didn't receive as much credit as you deserved for your songwriting skills, in comparison to prince. "i have so much love for prince. but why don't they look at me in the same way?"

again, if we look at living souls as icons and continue to relegate them into a perception of superficial greatness, the whole comparisons between yourself and prince will continue. "we've always been compared to each other, but we are so different." in many ways you are similar to prince, in terms of work ethic, doing your best to maintain a sense of loyalty from those around you; as well as the search for a higher purpose. this is why, ultimately, both you and prince are respected, whether or not people acknowledge this. "he was always viewed as the songwriter and i was always an entertainer."

again, this is the difficulty i have with you... as much of a survivor you are/were, i don't believe you ever truly had faith in your own abilities to heal. i suppose i become upset because i see so much of that quality in myself. i find myself always doing comparisons when they're not necessary.

i find prince to have an immense gift to give to the world; his sense of curiosity and willingness to be a student are phenomenal. i just happen to find you to be an extraordinary instructor, with gifts which have reached me more than i think prince ever will. this is difficult for me to explain in few words.



it makes me sad to think that, with all of your gifts you felt that way about yourself... so beaten down and insecure about your ability to reach the world. you stated openly of your being sent forth to present these things... your faith in that, with statements like the one above, appear to be diminished over time.

the "very open, trusting relationships" you encountered with these producers does not necessarily mean that you trusted them. to be friendly with someone does not guarantee a friendship. when you make statements comparing your talents to prince's, it appears as if you, through that one statement, did not trust your own instincts, at the time.

the thing is, i totally get it. again, i have seen this in myself. i cannot say whether or not you fully trusted your instincts (i cannot be the judge of this). i do know that, having experienced abuse in those 'developmental ages' in my own life it's difficult to know who or what to trust. and opening up to people is misinterpreted as trust.

i am very keen on reading how sentences are framed, so when i see that a relationship is "trusting" i must look at the context in which that relationship occurs. what if it's as simple as trying to find a simple connection, in a world where it's difficult to find?



looking at the word "message" being put in quotations by the author of the article, in relation to your statement about "quality music"... "naive as it may have come off to some jaded music critics, (it) was one of love." it's as if the author either doubts their own writings, or is not sincere in the sentence at all. i have difficulty gathering if this is referring to love of creating 'great music'; in simply wanting to feel good and dance... or is it referring to a truer sense of the teachings- to be able to reach people through that which is vibrational energy...?

how this was all framed... to 'redeem' yourself creatively was the goal of what you were trying to do, in your work with these producers. that was one way. the second mode of 'redemption' relied on the need to be lauded in the same fashion as you were (particularly in this country) during 'thriller'. or before the 1993 and 2005 accusations, respectively. the thing which troubles me about this article was that it consistently contradicted itself, when the one statement- i will repeat it again- represented itself to be the ultimate goal/mission of your creative output:

"...i'm just trying to do quality music with a melody that's infectious and has a message... when people hear it, i want their hearts to be warmed up... i want people to get up and dance. i want them to be full of love."

because all that there is, is the dance.

we fear what we do not know. we admonish those we do not understand and question the unfamiliar. therein lies the context of the article.

i am not even saying that i am a master student of your teachings. there is no way i'd even boast about that. in fact, i feel as if i've just begun in an intermediate period. my 'obsession', if you will, lies in my role as a student. i must remain focused.

thank you for your time in teaching me.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 55)

okay... chris brown... i don't want to focus too much of my energy speaking on him necessarily, but all of this is interrelated.

we are conditioned to make heroes out of remnants of that which we idolize... rather, it's not the people we honor, but the cultural traits which resonate. we create idols out of specific characteristics as opposed to looking within ourselves and realize we could bring the same gifts to the table if we applied ourselves pro-actively.

we look to chris brown to being a culturally specific heir to you, michael; but really, it's imperative to know that everything has its place. chris brown can no more take your place than you could take james brown's place. the point is, that wasn't your goal. you embodied what mr. brown has taught you in many ways, though what you did was never designed to take his place. you embodied many cultural signifiers and used those things to enhance your creative output. you never used those signifiers as a crutch.



it seems like in these instantaneous times we use these signifiers as a crutch, so it's easy for someone like chris brown to be called 'the next michael jackson'. it's easy for him to fall back on the things which inspired him, instead of looking within himself to hone his talent. i can't say i am into his music (i know you said you were); but he's had some fame for a number of years, and i'm sure it's because he utilized some of the skills he had on his own to reach audiences. you were just the guide through which he felt inspired. in the midst of this we encourage chris brown to never reach his full potential, because we keep comparing him to you.



and thus, we collectively were upset when he was not allowed to perform on a tribute to you due to his 'domestic abuse' incident, in which he beat up his girlfriend severely... honestly, i feel two ways about it; having grown up in an abusive environment (as you have) i find his actions reprehensible. i think that his performing is too soon. at the same time i cannot be the judge of his level of development or therapy. on another level, how fair is it of me to cast him off as immoral, when i still listen to the music of ike turner, james brown or marvin gaye? shouldn't we hold these artists to the same standards, regardless of generational factors, or whether or not we like their art?



i knew that i didn't want to talk about this all day, but i had to frame it in a way so you'd grasp what i am trying to say. despite everything i just said, his association with you does not sit right with me. i suspect that much of it has to do with the concept of how we view art in these times. for chris brown to perform a few of your songs and emulate a few of your moves does not encompass the true nature of your work, your art and your teachings. the way you moved to me, was a tribute to the ancestors... it was a connection with a spiritual convergence. it was, to paraphrase you, another part of all of us. when i see chris brown i see a singular act, a gesture to iconic symbolism.it's as if he was inspired by performance, and not the message which came with that performance. he is preoccupied by the mechanics of the dance, and not consumed by that which encompasses it. all that there must be for him is, as you once stated, "the dance."

this is the only way to attain that higher purpose.

but alas, he is still young. is this attainment something that is within us the whole time, or is it something we have to strive for, with outside assistance? i believe the question is already answered but we collectively struggle with this in these times.



with that i have not seen this recent performance of his (which so many are discussing), where he cries during his performance of 'man in the mirror'... personally i have no interest in seeing this performance; as i told you before i'm not all that interested in seeing every dedication to you posthumously. i speak of chris brown here in light of the fact that we still have not dealt with ourselves- our HIGHER selves- and yet our dialog moves between whether or not chris brown was sincere in his tears in performance of a song in which the message is about accessing the higher self. he has some demons to deal with for sure; but really, in his dedication to you AND in our sympathetic (or critical) renderings of his performance- not to mention the fact that so many of us are still emotionally attached to the symbols chris brown seemingly echoed/reflected in this performance- can we say that any of us have really heard the message?

this is a call out not just to others, but to myself. i am but a humble student here on this plane, and i aim to do my best in sharing what you have taught me with others.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 54)

i know it has been a while since we last spoke in this form, but i needed a lot of room to think... you have been within my heart in other ways so obviously this is not the only way. but this is a way for me to be able to seem to make sense, to myself, and perhaps others...

it has indeed been a full year since your transcendence. within this time the initial stages of grief have come back full circle; i find myself questioning (whether or not you know it) myself, and my feelings. it still does not seem real that you have physically left us, although i have come to terms with you being in a much better place than this. i find great relief knowing this. the contradictions arise aplenty in the circling back of this grief period. i find myself becoming angry at myself and others around me.

i have been feeling very mis-understood and isolated. i have been feeling quite alone in my feelings for you. i feel as if my concerns in terms of your transcendence seem so distant from others' concerns... i realize that people want to reach out but i end up recoiling...



...like, when people ask me if i have seen 'this is it'. people still ask me this to this day. i feel i am very open in my refusal to see this 'movie'. at the same time i realize that everyone does or may not know this. i don't have an emotional attachment to you where i have to see every single thing produced of you posthumously. that is not the relationship i have with you. however, i realize that not everyone knows this. so, when people ask me if i have seen this 'movie' and i tell them that i have not due to my refusal to see it they ask me why. when i tell them my reason (which is that i believe that AEG is the organization which, shall i say, murdered you), people stop and either look at me as if i am crazy, or they become quiet and sort of move away. as if my reasoning holds no value.

again, my relationship to you is not that of fan and icon/celebrity/performer. so i hold no attachments to relics when you are within me the whole time. your teachings remain within me. i cannot be mad at someone who does want to hold on to a 'final' image of you. but i don't think people should expect me to feel the same way. everyone's love for you is not the same.

there's so much more happening than my experiences in discussing this 'movie', but i will leave it there.



despite all this, i feel that the love i have for you is isolating, indeed. just recently i was called 'disturbed', because i openly considered you the greatest teacher to exist on this plane... i do not state that lightly. i will not go into details here as to why i believe this (i think you already know- if others want to know they can ask me). i do truly believe you were speaking from higher levels. what you were speaking was simply, a reflection of us all.

the deeper i get into openly stating your teachings, the more grief i get. as of late i am on the verge of crying myself to sleep sometimes. it's as if everything i am doing is worth nothing. it's like, if you are told something enough times you start to believe it. i know you know how that feels. frankly i am tired of being called crazy, and i know i have learned to be stronger than to think this is the case, but so much of this is killing me in many ways.

there are so many levels to this. i keep looking within myself, and it's hurting. it's circular all over again, like when i was heavily writing the book, the book which began the relationship between me and you. it was very painful to be in that place and now i feel like i'm in the same place. i know i have to hold on (i aim to spread your teachings no matter what) but you have to realize how difficult this is.

i do recognize that what i am experiencing are the levels of that vibrational energy- what i am receiving i may also be presenting... the waves of energy are turbulent within me. sometimes i have so much energy and other times i feel at a loss. i see you, and my heart sinks. because i know there is still so much work to be done. and i know i am not alone but it feels that way most of the time.

sometimes it shows on the outside... but much of the time i DO smile, just like the words of your favourite song. in the past few days, alone in my room, i just cry. amidst the summer sun it's just cloudy inside. i also know that everything in life is a lesson but lately a lot of what i am feeling is mistakes. and that i don't have the capacity to fulfill everything i want to.



something has to change. i am doing my best but in the process it would be nice to have someone on this plane to be there with me.

because sometimes i don't know if even you're hearing me.

if i am loud enough, or if i'm saying the right things, i don't know... i mean, what even IS the right thing?

it's interesting, because i am returning to the quick note you wrote back in 1987- "...most people don't know me, that is why they write such things in which most is not true. i cry very often because it hurts and i worry about the children... animals strike, not from malice but because they want to live, it is the same with those who criticize, they desire our blood, not our pain. but i still must achieve i must seek truth in all things."

all these things people say about me, and the looks they give, i know that it's all about perception but sometimes it hurts. well, a lot of the time it hurts. and it's been hurting a lot more lately than usual.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 53)

it is a little past the 8th month, teacher, but i have been feeling your spirit now more than ever... today you have decided to take a rest. the past few days though, you've been working hard.

last night, after coming home from an event i began to speak with you out loud. i asked you if there was anything you wanted me to say to certain people. since the day i felt your spirit enter me (on the 24th) your energy has been getting stronger and stronger, yet i still ask what it is you want. are you just stopping by to say hello, or are you asking for something more?

so as i rode home i asked you out loud if there was anything you wanted me to say to certain people. and just like on the 24th i felt my eyes water... i asked if you were okay, and i think i heard you say you were okay, and that you felt better than the day before. i kept asking if you were sure you were okay, and i felt you getting impatient with me... i know it may seem like i'm pestering you, teacher, but i just want to be clear.

when i said out loud that i loved you, that's when the tears came. i don't ever recall tears streaming down my face in this way when i told you i loved you... this just started happening, since the 24th... the energy between us is so different now. i feel extra sensitive to your energy. there are certain words which trigger tears or certain images which i feel a slight surge of your energy enter me. i feel this energy and i still wonder if i am alone, if i am crazy or if i am just hearing/visualizing things... is it really your energy i am feeling?

well, as i said, if you ever need me, you know i am right here...

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 52)

it's fairly safe to say that these seven months have come to us at a rate faster than imagined. in light of this it's hard to even remember this is 2010. it seems like this news hit just yesterday.

alas, the number 7 is of some significance to you though... it is the number of spiritual and physical regeneration. of course, because people may expect something big from you in this month due to the number's importance to your character, will this day pass as uneventful? or... shall you wait until tuesday the 26th, when there will be a mass release of your film?

it's interesting that this month has lent to itself its share of challenges for many... with many mini-battles amongst individuals, with two major earthquakes in haiti we may be left wondering where love is... but we must realise that it is always here. is this a lesson for all of us to learn in this seventh month? are we to heed the message of regeneration? those of us who are physically left here on this earth must call on which we already know, as well as what we have learned from the ancestors.



i have deferred to you many times this past week, teacher. it has been a fairly bad week, emotionally. it was all my heart could take so many times to just smile (and sing the song which you love so much of the same name) and all i heard was exactly what you told me some time ago in a dream: 'you know what to do.' and i know you know how hard it is for me to hear that. but that's all you told me.

i know you're right, but still... i just need to believe, right?

i know that with all that's going on, your heart is aching too. but we all are in number 7. and we shall get through this. together.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 51)

this piece came to me as i was watching the now-ubiquitous (to me, anyway) videos of you in performance... 1975; you turned 17 that year. your crown shining, as you floated past your siblings... as i watched you i struggled with my anger as i reflected upon my own past, my gaze simultaneously filled with wonderment at your utter beauty. the only word i could think of, is 'perfection'.

in the end, your looks don't matter (particularly since you'd never be 17 forever, and besides, true beauty transcends physical form) but i must stop to celebrate the poetry of your... of that moment, ceased in time on a relic. within all the words i have written thus far, i find myself to be speechless. just read the piece, my teacher. it's actually the first piece i recall writing in about 4 years.



(note: this was finished at 8:17 am on 15 december 2009)

patience
is what i have learned from you
and what i am to continue to learn
as i watch you spin
effortlessly
i marvel at how
GOD
could create anyone so perfect
simultaneously acknowledging that no one
actually is
perfect
your large brown eyes
so deep
and your features
so strong as
the ocean where some of your ancestors
were perhaps
buried



as you effortlessly spin i give in to the urge
to marvel at your perfection
i ask how GOD could create a being
so
beautiful
a graceful swan emerging from the throes of
adolescence
head thrown back in ecstasy of the
passion play of an evening's
performance
rapturously
effortlessly
spinning



your vibrato quakes my spine and moves to my insides
as you sing about love
and loneliness
as if someone so perfect
could be so lonely.
you take me to places i should
never
imagine going
who am i to think i could reach you
when the oasis is broken
with GOD'S cruel jokes
of blemishes
or
getting caught in a microphone cord
or
a parent to say that your perfection is
meaningless



and as i watch you gracefully glide across the floor
i angrily question how someone can challenge your
perfection,
how a man from whose seed you were born
could make such remarks

then i return to what you have taught me.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 50)

today marks the 5th month where your presence has been felt in a different way... it is, of course, a mystery as to how this day five months ago came to be. there are so many holes in the story it's no wonder that there have been theories that this event was indeed, a hoax... that you will return in physical form at some point, when you are ready.

in many ways this theory makes me very happy, as it means that you are under the facade of remaining out of the spotlight, just relaxing from the 45 years you'd performed nonstop. most likely this is wishful thinking; if you actually were still alive you'd most likely be working on some upcoming project, to shock the people even more. honestly my teacher... i say this with love. if indeed you are still here walking amongst us, you need to STOP WORKING right now, and take the time out to care for yourself. do what you wished for your mentor/teacher, james brown: step back and enjoy your life. enjoy your children while you still can.



but let's go back where we started and discuss your transcendence as it stands... it is as i said, the fifth month. i should always sense the so-called 'anniversary's' presence, since i acquire a deep unexplained sadness, and i begin to cry... i also have extremely fragmented dreams, which go nowhere. you appear in and out of them. this happens every time.

i cried on the bus, on the way back to portland... my head rested on the window. i should also know when the 'anniversary' is coming up, because i tend to feel a overwhelming sense of loneliness, as i review my life as it stands. i think about if i will ever have children in my life; i also think about how i don't want to raise those children on my own. i think about if everything i am doing has been done in vain. whether or not i believe this is the case any other time of the year does not even matter, as it is THAT MOMENT where i question everything.

and "i cry", as you once sang, "sometimes cos i'm confused". i think spontaneity is very good for someone like me (and travelling to san francisco was a good reminder of how much more spontaneous i need to be- and how much more spontaneous i USED to be. i lose so much of a sense of it living here in portland), and as much as i love this i also seek out some sort of stability. there are also so many things i want to do... spontaneity assists me in getting there, but i also need stability if i'm going to finish what i began. i long to roam and wander; but the older i get i clamor for a 'home life'. i want to be able to know i accomplished something, and i can look back and know that i did something positive in the world.



as i was crying there was something i wanted to say to you but i couldn't figure it out in time enough to tell you. i had a lot of questions but they were all so jumbled.

but yes, i did in fact go to san francisco for a few days... i did go for you, my dear teacher. i wanted to represent some of the things you have taught me. there is an event called 'prince vs. michael' (i have written about it to you before, as they do it sometimes in portland as well). the event, which took place on the 21st, was in san francisco. it was also the 7th anniversary of the event, where it's not so much of a battle than an honoring of the art of you and mr. nelson. dave and jeff, who put on the events, put a lot of love into what they are doing. they are good people.

going into the event, i only knew the people who were putting on the event. by the end i met so many wonderful, kind people. i ended up teaching some people some of your moves, and i did the 'thrillerdance' twice- once with a whole bunch of people and the other with one other person. i didn't even realise so many pictures were taken until a bunch were sent to me. people were amused that i had come all the way from portland to this event, and they wanted me to come to san francisco more often to the event, and to teach some classes. someone even jokingly suggested i move there...

one thing i did notice was that the people who were advocates of prince (the prince contingent, if you will) were very self-assured. they were self-assured, but far from pretentious. they gave me hugs, and big smiles. i thought of my sister when i saw them, and i thought of my friend barry. both of them love prince, and are quite self-assured people. of course i am making a widespread generalization (and i could be totally wrong), but this is based on the people i have met, and known. i am going to make another sweeping generalization here: people who i have known and met, and who love you tend to be somewhat sad.

i think the people who love you and your art recognise the pain you present. even though prince may have had pain in his life he presents his art to be boisterous. though in my opinion it's difficult to compare the both of you, i just wanted to say i noticed a general sort of attitude those who love prince have, and the one those who love you have.

nevertheless, the event was a whole lot of fun, and proved, in the end, if the music moves you then nothing will stop you. my legs and feet were in pain the next day; i was dancing from about 8pm until 2 in the morning, virtually non-stop. all that was left was, as you love to say, the dance. there were times it got very emotional for me, and i almost cried... it was as if your spirit were moving through me.



is it possible you were watching over me when i was in california? was it my intuition and my desire for spontaneity which led me to certain events?

the next day dave took me to a record shop (because whenever i travel somewhere i must see the record shops) where i met a man (also named michael) who met you some time ago... he saw the buttons on my jacket, asked if i was a fan and proceeded to tell me the story of how you two met. it was after the record shop was closed, of course; and you signed a record for him. he was a very sincere person. when he was contacted by news stations to speak on what he thought of you, he declined, knowing that his words would be twisted.

i'm sure that's very familiar to you...

the next day (which was my last day in san francisco) was a day of highs and lows... in wandering about this town (which i have not previously been) i opened myself up to more positive experiences; but in between was some sobering news. within one hour i found out a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer, and another friend with hearing loss. upon hearing this news i wasn't compelled to go out and 'live life to the fullest' any more than i already think we should; nor was it a reminder of the impermanence of life. it was what it was, it is what it is. however, you don't always expect to hear news of this sort, in the middle of wandering about.

as sad as that news was to hear, i decided not to dwell on it, as these are strong-willed, resilient people. i walked on and on that day for hours on end, just wandering... i ran into a chiropractic office with a copy of some information on the toxic ingredients in influenza vaccines, from a chiropractic perspective. i was intrigued, as that is not something i see every day. i walked in and asked if there was an extra copy of what was on the window outside, and a man screamed, "i have those buttons!" he exclaimed how he was the biggest fan of yours! it turns out that he was on a flight to london on the 25th of june, when he heard the news about you. he was going to go see you in concert. he even showed people on the plane what he was going to wear to your concert. since he could not see your show (due to the events which occurred) he instead saw 'thriller live' in the theatre. he also spent two days in 2005 in front of the courthouse, when you were on trial, supporting you.

and so of course i interviewed him.

these moments are what i miss; not having to plan things with others. just working around the excitement people share, and being open to whatever happens. i long for life in portland to be like this...

by the end of the day, my legs hurt so much from over four hours of walking- and by the time i got back to portland i developed swollen ankles. i could hardly walk without extreme pain, due to also sitting on a bus for almost 20 hours. but it was truly worth it. i hope i have honored your teachings...



during the bus trip we had to change over, stopping in sacramento. i occupied my time there by people watching (something i love to do) and reading some books i brought with me. there are no longer coin-operated televisions at greyhound stations apparently; they are now replaced with flat-screens perched just below the ceiling. it's quite distracting to have this blaring noise (even if it's not even that loud). being that i have not watched television regularly in 15 years, it's easy for me to not get sucked into the cathode rays. so, amongst my people watching i spot a young girl at a vending machine, sighing dramatically.

i asked her what was wrong. she pointed to the candy bar, stuck in between relinquishing its spot and protecting the other bars from being eaten. she lamented that she was getting the candy bar for her mother, and that she now lost money. i told her i would offer to get her another one, so that both bars would come out. she declined my offer.

moments passed, and i run to get change to get the candy bar.

i walked up to the little girl's mother, two candy bars in tow. she offered me one of them, and i just said no, it's okay. i think she mentioned that i did not have to do that, and i believe i said something to the effect of, 'it's okay...' i returned to my spot to wait for the bus and proceeded to read, when i looked up and saw someone walking towards me. it was this little girl whose mother was now enjoying her candy bars. she reached out and gave me a hug. she said, 'GOD BLESS YOU'. i asked her what her name was; she responded, 'justice'. i told her my name, and we shook hands. we bid each other safe travels.

that moment could not have been more perfect. justice? my teacher... were you watching this?



as the night wore on into the next day; in between reading i look up to find on this screen perched up near the ceiling, a report on how the doctor who supposedly was the man to give you a bunch of drugs before the fatal moment- is back at his office, at work. could this experience at the bus station get any more surreal?

delving back into my reading, i hear your name being called nearby... are these the ancestors calling again? i hear your name again, to find out there is a conversation being held about you. must i be called to 'set some things straight'? we shall see.

i walked over to the men having this conversation. when i told them i heard your name being called, one of them mentioned the context: there is always a case whenever you are dealing with women and children. i proceed to tell them to read the full transcripts of the trial, which are of course, online. in my reading of the transcripts i find, just like this case surrounding your transcendence, the two major cases concerning the allegations against you to have many holes. the prosecution was not credible.

but let's not dwell on the past like that... one of the men had one of your songs on his telephone- or some sort of i-pod or something. i proceeded to dance. i even showed them the dolls... i'm sure they thought i was crazy (at least that's what i read from their looks, body language and laughter) but i don't really care... i'm just sharing what you have taught me.

i returned to portland, and on the next day i worked, on this day, marking the 5th month... has time passed quickly, or has it ceased to move? surely, it waits for no one. therefore, in this time i will continue to learn from you, and share all you have taught, and are teaching me.

it was indeed wonderful to return home to lumbia, where she curls up on my lap (then paces back and forth, speaking loudly until she falls asleep) as i write this... when i returned, she looked at me with her wide eyes and asked, 'you went all the way to san francisco, for HIM?' and in turn i say to her, 'ah, my friend, someday i hope to take you there, and perhaps you will know...'

and she will.

it's been a while since we last spoke in this way my dear teacher, but i hope you've been hearing me loud and clear the whole time.

your humble student,
jamilah