michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 58)

"i'm still awake".

i'm listening to the radio right now, and one of the interviewees stated this at the beginning of an interview about the state of print newspapers. we each share the same 24 hours, no matter where on the globe we are. thinking about it, it is possible that the only time we may truly be ourselves is when we are not 'awake', because we are not constantly subjected to desensitizing materials.



at what point does true consciousness occur? a friend of mine had to catch me as she made a distinction between 'sleep' and 'rest'. a conscious person never sleeps, so when one goes to bed they 'rest'. and even outside of the physical plane there is much work to be done (as you know), so even if your body has taken on a state of eternal rest, your soul enters a period of work and protection.

i speak of this because it appears in many ways... we are culturally asleep, to the point where once-thriving industries are struggling how to work within a framework of changing technologies (whether or not they have the funds to do so). and we as individuals make the conscious decision to not take advantage of the facilities we are given. we have access to so much information and then we don't use it. we scream about the possibility of it being taken away from us but we don't utilize it to its full capacity, in positive ways.

and so we allow these industries to make the decisions for us; influencing our decisions on what to buy, and when to buy (into) it.



i think specifically about a couple of different situations... i think of the time when you were at the world music awards in monaco, and the notion of piracy was mentioned. you giggled at the word 'pirate', amused at how the traditional concept of a pirate (of the caribbean, no less!) could be associated with affecting a music industry. and then you caught on, and straightened up your posture. i found that charming, your slight naiveté of the concerns of an industry where you still sold millions of units, particularly outside of the states. your fans and supporters have been loyal to you, thereby deeming you relatively unaffected by the failing state of the industry... after all, you revived a slumping industry in 1982- and then again in 2009. i'll get back to this in a bit. but you never heard anybody exclaim, "yo! i got the latest MJ bootleg!!!"

and more recently i think about how performers like lady gaga are peddled to us.

lady gaga happens to be one of those performers where, when i hear her my eyes roll in the back of my head as if i am being possessed by some evil energy. i see her, and i become bit ill. i am not joking. it has nothing to do with how she's dressed really, or even the songs themselves. granted i don't really like the songs; but there are many bad songs out there and i don't feel possessed when i hear those. i just happen to see and hear this very evil energy radiating from her. it's as if they found her, and she was bred, 'manchurian candidate' style, to take on a pivotal role in a more modern form of desensitization.

i think the huge difference between what she does and what others do who PURPOSELY perform through a means of evil energy, is just that. though what they all do is intentional, what gaga does is set up to be 'shocking'. her image constantly changes in a painstaking attempt for unguarded fluidity. nothing is sacred in this world, especially not relationships (with ourselves, our environment or others). and we allow this space in our lives to be dictated to. because relationships are of least importance. our senses are so overloaded with imagery and sound that we begin to ignore the gift of vibration.

it troubles me when i see these children (and elders- i mean, people in their 80s) dancing to lady gaga. because these children are being indoctrinated early on. and the elders become internet sensations. we become so consumed with instantaneous desire, and even though she's not the only one to promote this, gaga contributes to it. that she is being lauded by publications for being 'original' and wielding a whole lot of influence (financial and cultural) is troubling to me, as this is a perpetuation of the idea(l) of individual wealth as being financial. and you obtain this wealth by staging yourself as a symbol of hedonism.



and so i return to 1982. you by comparison, despite being the most famous person in the whole world were actually one of the least hedonistic figures in popular culture. i can't help but think though that as you were bred for the life you entered since you were a child, there was a goal by management and label executives to market you as being a thriving recipient of this instantaneous culture... there were the dolls, the commercials, the concerts. still you could see an open battle with that life, as you shied away from interviews, or you made quick appearances then left, hiding your face and whispering how embarrassed you were. you created your little enclave inside, as opposed to displaying any sort of excesses outside.

even 'thriller', the album which still stands to this day as the greatest-selling of all time, was an album which claimed moral codes. 'wanna be startin' somethin'' indicated self-pride and familial responsibility; 'lady in my life' represented an intimate moment between two committed people, and 'beat it' was a lesson in just walking away from violence. even the titular track, despite it's dark theme, had a playful side to it; it was all about protecting someone from a horror film.

the funny thing is, this was the era in which you scared me. ultimately, whether or not you chose that energy, there was a DARK energy around you. and it resulted in the infamous 'victory tour', the 'pepsi burn' incident, and so much more. it seemed that when you decided to free yourself from much of your immediate surroundings at that time, creatively you became freer. HOWEVER, this was the period when the reception towards you became less and less positive.

those who choose to speak truth will ultimately be physically destroyed. this is the perception. but really, we all must physically leave this world. the most important thing is that truth remains. as long as we live in this world we are going to be encouraged to never question anything but ourselves. but if, in our physical existence we have obtained a bit of truth, then i think we have succeeded in some way.

and just by even reaching one person, i think you have succeeded very well. i'm still awake, michael. and i know you certainly are.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 57)

i feel so full of inspiration right now... wait, that's not exactly correct but at the same time it is... i guess the main thing is that, since it's not just you i am speaking to (what i write here to you is public) i want to be very clear in how i say things, regardless of the fact that it all will be mis-interpreted anyways.

words are difficult to convey to someone who lived, for all intents and purposes, the dance. you lived, breathed and rested the dance. for me, my mind flows in waves like the ocean, where the tides come and go, rise and subside. i become inspired by words and aim to put it all to action. the way i process things, i work best when i write it all down. i can't articulate myself very well when i speak. and i'm certainly not as good a dancer as you, so...

i suppose you're stuck with me in this way. i hope it's not too much for you.



the catch 22 even in THIS is that my feelings for you cannot even be displayed in words. your teachings move me far beyond a place where we speak... when you left it was real easy to say 'a part of me has died' but that's not exactly what i wanted to say. how i felt was in a place so hollow that left me feeling unaccomplished. it had nothing to even do with the fact that i'll never be able to hear your voice again... i can always return to your voice whenever i need to hear you. what i felt was a huge portion of me chipping away; it was as if everything i was beginning to learn in the process was now for naught. i had to stop and think about my purpose in this whole experience with you. at that point i had to make a decision. i had spent so much of my time, getting very little sleep, advocating what i thought you were trying to convey your whole life, through my own life's perspective. you were the umbrella through which my experiences were translated. but yes, when you left i had to make a decision.

and i had to stop merely being an advocate and begin to make a goal to truly become the teachings which you presented to me. when i realized this was what i had to do i felt so much better, and i knew that everything i had done prior to that fateful day happened for a reason.



a friend of mine told me that initially he didn't fully understand why i spent all of my waking hours as an advocate for you, in the years i had known him. he told me that after a while he realized that in all that time i was simply preparing for the day of your transcendence. he said that somehow i sensed it coming.

and the truth is, i did. i kept this to myself around the time you turned 50. i saw something very dark occur, and i got really scared. i did not want to put it out in the universe. i'm sure i was not the only person to envision this. however i did not know when. i can guarantee you that i was not aware of the magnitude of that moment.

i must admit that it was something that worried me as that day was approaching; it was met with a bit of relief when you survived the day of your 50th year of existence, spending quality time with your children. i could not help but have a continuous sinking feeling though. and it bugged me to keep processing that.

again, it wasn't the fear of your physical loss driving this- everyone has to go, as they say. there was something very unsettling in the visions i had. i ended up having a couple of dreams where there was some sort of fighting involved. in the last one i had (about two weeks before you left) we fought in public. i spoke to you in an accusatory tone (actually yelling at you) then i stormed off; i eventually returned. i saw you standing, hunched over in sadness (or possibly protection). i went over and placed my hand over you, in a silent apologetic embrace.

and then you were gone. i can only imagine how straight your posture is now; you are so free...



as an advocate i wanted there to be a flow of energy in which you could feel some sort of support. i think that the flow of energy from one person to another is crucial, even if one is not physically present. i truly wanted you to know that i was thinking of you in these times, in your emotional struggles. in the midst of all this there were times that i struggled in my own personal relationships, and doubted myself. i will not go into details here, but i will say that you remained a constant in my life. there were certain points where i wondered if, due to the similarities in our experiences, you were a crutch. in the course of the dedication to my advocacy a lot of tears were shed and questions asked. i wondered if this sort of dedication was really worth it, where it affected my friendships.

however, i remained steadfast in my love and advocacy for you, and in many ways it improved my relationships with people... a huge aspect in this advocacy is self-reflection. everything you taught me would have little to no value if i were not to tune into that aspect of myself...



ricky martin called you "a great teacher, pure musical inspiration"... i have seen places where others have called you a teacher as well. as it's obvious/inevitable that i would not be the only one to consider you a teacher; i do wonder how your teachings have impacted those who have bestowed the title upon you. i try to imagine the flow of energy from your hands, as you shook the hands of your contemporaries and elders. your frame was so small but you appeared larger than life. even larger than it looked like you felt. i try to imagine the emotions expelled by those who had the opportunity to capture your teachings in person, the second you catapulted on stage... the tears and the fainting...

and how what you were doing was either making a business deal, or just giving people what they wanted on stage... either way, i saw the same energy radiate. magic is too simple of a word. because the outcome may have been illusion-based; but beyond the illusion was a force. i am still astounded when i see footage of you, a young kid from midwestern gary, indiana; grow to become an internationally-respected man dining with kings and presidents, maintaining this level of unsophistication (perhaps due to a child-like demeanor) which was extremely humbling and yet, ensuring a level of maturity rarely seen on those with similar stature.



do you see what i mean when i say that words don't convey the true nature of my sentiments? it's all too easy to become lost in semantics or phrasings; i'm not too sure how else i can share this... my feelings are too strong to keep to myself.



when i speak of you as a teacher, this is the part which can be open to mis-interpretation... because, you didn't only teach me about love, about patience, about empathy... you also taught me about weakness, about control. about owning those painful experiences. no you were not the one to help me discover these things; however, as i keep saying, learning from and about you i was forced to acknowledge a lot of these things in myself. even though i thought i was somewhat better in terms of doing this, i saw that there was much room for improvement.



to be a student of yours isn't easy. it guarantees in many ways, isolation. the isolation isn't intentional, but it comes with the territory of absolute dedication. it guarantees absolute spurts of blossoming creativity and other moments of sheer blocks. it guarantees both jumping in the air with excitement and crying oneself to sleep.

it requires an intense focus, but never a loss of sight of your surroundings, for this is also the model from which is the inspiration for your teachings. in order to fully be focused, a peripheral awareness is of utmost importance. true wisdom can never be attained within a narrow vision.



you see, it's so easy to become lost in all of these words... i see why you allowed 'the dance' to speak for you. still, again, this is the best way for me to communicate. the dance encourages you not to become dictated by euphemism. ironically, it was 'the dance' which people became fixated on, virtually ignoring your message and then, when you actually DID open yourself up to speak, allowing the dance to guide you, you were censored. "an angry dancer" fred astaire called you. when you allowed yourself to display your anger, silently, through dance, you were therein, silenced. under no uncertain terms, you were told to just backslide/moonwalk for the rest of your life, continuing the illusion of moving forward as you are being pushed backwards. it's a lot like life, for anyone trying to free themselves.

i recognize why you were a man of few words.



when you moved, be it on a stage or in a chair, i sensed sadness, frustration and anger. i observed it emanating from myself when i watched you. i felt a wave of nervous energy; not just for you but mostly for myself. over time my feelings for you became conflicted... the role in which you played in my life became unsteady, and i did indeed become upset at myself. i suppose this is all a part of the journey of establishing and securing relationships.

even this moment, the moment i write this, is part of a long journey. there will be more tears, more realizations... more learning to do. but i hope that ultimately i can stand and say my dedication was worth something.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 56)

my sister told me last night that she sensed that what i felt for you was obsession... she said she viewed it as such due to her lack of understanding.

we fear what we do not know. we admonish those we do not understand and question the unfamiliar.

with that it's very hard for me to explain my connection to you in a context without appearing 'obsessed'. in many ways, yes, my feelings for you lie beyond the teachings, as you know; but the teachings are the very things guiding our relationship. even describing a teacher/student relationship is difficult, as we've socially become accustomed to the idea of that sort of relationship confirming control and submission. the most important thing you can do, in order to truly learn anything, is to question your teacher. it obviously is not an equal or, even autonomous relationship- the teacher's role is one of guidance- however, any good teacher will acknowledge that lessons can also be learned from students.



i felt compelled to read a recent issue of vibe magazine in the store today, with an article regarding your work with various producers and songwriters in the last couple of years. the word 'redemption' was a part of the title of the article. consciously or unconsciously the author used this to frame the piece, utilizing the operative word in two ways, simultaneously taking on the role of a jury member in the so-called 'court of public opinion'.

on one end you have someone saying that you were in control of every situation on the creative end; on another you're being called "a robot", along with another statement in the article that alludes to your being under control for much of your life.

one of the portions which stuck out to me was a recollection of a conversation you had with ne-yo. "i'm not trying to follow any trends," he recalled of your statement. "i'm not trying to go back in time. i'm just trying to do quality music with a melody that's infectious and has a message." it struck me specifically because i personally realized this sentiment being your goal the whole time- to make art which was memorable and yet, maintain an overarching message of love (framed by the universal laws). in another recollection by akon, you said, "i want these songs to be happy... when people hear it, i want their hearts to be warmed up... i want people to get up and dance. i want them to be full of love."



despite this, as i read the article i could not help but think that the producers and songwriters, as well as the author of the article, continued to relegate you to their vision of what they best saw you doing, and that WAS something in the past. as i told you before, it's difficult to truly see your message and your teachings if you don't bother to look within. you can tell them that you want the outcome of what you do to be consumed by the energy of love, but from what i read in their interviews they were more concerned with their association with 'greatness' and being a part of this process of working on a hit record by a cultural icon. i did not see your teachings passed on to them at all. and they actually got to be in the PHYSICAL presence of a teacher...

again, we revert back to that control/submit relationship. those interviewed were surprised that you'd even open yourself up to hearing their criticisms, when again, that is what an effective teacher does.



the framing of 'redemption' in the article is certainly intriguing here... it obviously states nothing new. at the same time it's directed by a facade of humility. the love of those 'elementary things' you once lamented that people were not able to grasp were lost within all the sentiments of you making attempts to retain your cultural greatness. the article even had you lamenting that you didn't receive as much credit as you deserved for your songwriting skills, in comparison to prince. "i have so much love for prince. but why don't they look at me in the same way?"

again, if we look at living souls as icons and continue to relegate them into a perception of superficial greatness, the whole comparisons between yourself and prince will continue. "we've always been compared to each other, but we are so different." in many ways you are similar to prince, in terms of work ethic, doing your best to maintain a sense of loyalty from those around you; as well as the search for a higher purpose. this is why, ultimately, both you and prince are respected, whether or not people acknowledge this. "he was always viewed as the songwriter and i was always an entertainer."

again, this is the difficulty i have with you... as much of a survivor you are/were, i don't believe you ever truly had faith in your own abilities to heal. i suppose i become upset because i see so much of that quality in myself. i find myself always doing comparisons when they're not necessary.

i find prince to have an immense gift to give to the world; his sense of curiosity and willingness to be a student are phenomenal. i just happen to find you to be an extraordinary instructor, with gifts which have reached me more than i think prince ever will. this is difficult for me to explain in few words.



it makes me sad to think that, with all of your gifts you felt that way about yourself... so beaten down and insecure about your ability to reach the world. you stated openly of your being sent forth to present these things... your faith in that, with statements like the one above, appear to be diminished over time.

the "very open, trusting relationships" you encountered with these producers does not necessarily mean that you trusted them. to be friendly with someone does not guarantee a friendship. when you make statements comparing your talents to prince's, it appears as if you, through that one statement, did not trust your own instincts, at the time.

the thing is, i totally get it. again, i have seen this in myself. i cannot say whether or not you fully trusted your instincts (i cannot be the judge of this). i do know that, having experienced abuse in those 'developmental ages' in my own life it's difficult to know who or what to trust. and opening up to people is misinterpreted as trust.

i am very keen on reading how sentences are framed, so when i see that a relationship is "trusting" i must look at the context in which that relationship occurs. what if it's as simple as trying to find a simple connection, in a world where it's difficult to find?



looking at the word "message" being put in quotations by the author of the article, in relation to your statement about "quality music"... "naive as it may have come off to some jaded music critics, (it) was one of love." it's as if the author either doubts their own writings, or is not sincere in the sentence at all. i have difficulty gathering if this is referring to love of creating 'great music'; in simply wanting to feel good and dance... or is it referring to a truer sense of the teachings- to be able to reach people through that which is vibrational energy...?

how this was all framed... to 'redeem' yourself creatively was the goal of what you were trying to do, in your work with these producers. that was one way. the second mode of 'redemption' relied on the need to be lauded in the same fashion as you were (particularly in this country) during 'thriller'. or before the 1993 and 2005 accusations, respectively. the thing which troubles me about this article was that it consistently contradicted itself, when the one statement- i will repeat it again- represented itself to be the ultimate goal/mission of your creative output:

"...i'm just trying to do quality music with a melody that's infectious and has a message... when people hear it, i want their hearts to be warmed up... i want people to get up and dance. i want them to be full of love."

because all that there is, is the dance.

we fear what we do not know. we admonish those we do not understand and question the unfamiliar. therein lies the context of the article.

i am not even saying that i am a master student of your teachings. there is no way i'd even boast about that. in fact, i feel as if i've just begun in an intermediate period. my 'obsession', if you will, lies in my role as a student. i must remain focused.

thank you for your time in teaching me.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 55)

okay... chris brown... i don't want to focus too much of my energy speaking on him necessarily, but all of this is interrelated.

we are conditioned to make heroes out of remnants of that which we idolize... rather, it's not the people we honor, but the cultural traits which resonate. we create idols out of specific characteristics as opposed to looking within ourselves and realize we could bring the same gifts to the table if we applied ourselves pro-actively.

we look to chris brown to being a culturally specific heir to you, michael; but really, it's imperative to know that everything has its place. chris brown can no more take your place than you could take james brown's place. the point is, that wasn't your goal. you embodied what mr. brown has taught you in many ways, though what you did was never designed to take his place. you embodied many cultural signifiers and used those things to enhance your creative output. you never used those signifiers as a crutch.



it seems like in these instantaneous times we use these signifiers as a crutch, so it's easy for someone like chris brown to be called 'the next michael jackson'. it's easy for him to fall back on the things which inspired him, instead of looking within himself to hone his talent. i can't say i am into his music (i know you said you were); but he's had some fame for a number of years, and i'm sure it's because he utilized some of the skills he had on his own to reach audiences. you were just the guide through which he felt inspired. in the midst of this we encourage chris brown to never reach his full potential, because we keep comparing him to you.



and thus, we collectively were upset when he was not allowed to perform on a tribute to you due to his 'domestic abuse' incident, in which he beat up his girlfriend severely... honestly, i feel two ways about it; having grown up in an abusive environment (as you have) i find his actions reprehensible. i think that his performing is too soon. at the same time i cannot be the judge of his level of development or therapy. on another level, how fair is it of me to cast him off as immoral, when i still listen to the music of ike turner, james brown or marvin gaye? shouldn't we hold these artists to the same standards, regardless of generational factors, or whether or not we like their art?



i knew that i didn't want to talk about this all day, but i had to frame it in a way so you'd grasp what i am trying to say. despite everything i just said, his association with you does not sit right with me. i suspect that much of it has to do with the concept of how we view art in these times. for chris brown to perform a few of your songs and emulate a few of your moves does not encompass the true nature of your work, your art and your teachings. the way you moved to me, was a tribute to the ancestors... it was a connection with a spiritual convergence. it was, to paraphrase you, another part of all of us. when i see chris brown i see a singular act, a gesture to iconic symbolism.it's as if he was inspired by performance, and not the message which came with that performance. he is preoccupied by the mechanics of the dance, and not consumed by that which encompasses it. all that there must be for him is, as you once stated, "the dance."

this is the only way to attain that higher purpose.

but alas, he is still young. is this attainment something that is within us the whole time, or is it something we have to strive for, with outside assistance? i believe the question is already answered but we collectively struggle with this in these times.



with that i have not seen this recent performance of his (which so many are discussing), where he cries during his performance of 'man in the mirror'... personally i have no interest in seeing this performance; as i told you before i'm not all that interested in seeing every dedication to you posthumously. i speak of chris brown here in light of the fact that we still have not dealt with ourselves- our HIGHER selves- and yet our dialog moves between whether or not chris brown was sincere in his tears in performance of a song in which the message is about accessing the higher self. he has some demons to deal with for sure; but really, in his dedication to you AND in our sympathetic (or critical) renderings of his performance- not to mention the fact that so many of us are still emotionally attached to the symbols chris brown seemingly echoed/reflected in this performance- can we say that any of us have really heard the message?

this is a call out not just to others, but to myself. i am but a humble student here on this plane, and i aim to do my best in sharing what you have taught me with others.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 54)

i know it has been a while since we last spoke in this form, but i needed a lot of room to think... you have been within my heart in other ways so obviously this is not the only way. but this is a way for me to be able to seem to make sense, to myself, and perhaps others...

it has indeed been a full year since your transcendence. within this time the initial stages of grief have come back full circle; i find myself questioning (whether or not you know it) myself, and my feelings. it still does not seem real that you have physically left us, although i have come to terms with you being in a much better place than this. i find great relief knowing this. the contradictions arise aplenty in the circling back of this grief period. i find myself becoming angry at myself and others around me.

i have been feeling very mis-understood and isolated. i have been feeling quite alone in my feelings for you. i feel as if my concerns in terms of your transcendence seem so distant from others' concerns... i realize that people want to reach out but i end up recoiling...



...like, when people ask me if i have seen 'this is it'. people still ask me this to this day. i feel i am very open in my refusal to see this 'movie'. at the same time i realize that everyone does or may not know this. i don't have an emotional attachment to you where i have to see every single thing produced of you posthumously. that is not the relationship i have with you. however, i realize that not everyone knows this. so, when people ask me if i have seen this 'movie' and i tell them that i have not due to my refusal to see it they ask me why. when i tell them my reason (which is that i believe that AEG is the organization which, shall i say, murdered you), people stop and either look at me as if i am crazy, or they become quiet and sort of move away. as if my reasoning holds no value.

again, my relationship to you is not that of fan and icon/celebrity/performer. so i hold no attachments to relics when you are within me the whole time. your teachings remain within me. i cannot be mad at someone who does want to hold on to a 'final' image of you. but i don't think people should expect me to feel the same way. everyone's love for you is not the same.

there's so much more happening than my experiences in discussing this 'movie', but i will leave it there.



despite all this, i feel that the love i have for you is isolating, indeed. just recently i was called 'disturbed', because i openly considered you the greatest teacher to exist on this plane... i do not state that lightly. i will not go into details here as to why i believe this (i think you already know- if others want to know they can ask me). i do truly believe you were speaking from higher levels. what you were speaking was simply, a reflection of us all.

the deeper i get into openly stating your teachings, the more grief i get. as of late i am on the verge of crying myself to sleep sometimes. it's as if everything i am doing is worth nothing. it's like, if you are told something enough times you start to believe it. i know you know how that feels. frankly i am tired of being called crazy, and i know i have learned to be stronger than to think this is the case, but so much of this is killing me in many ways.

there are so many levels to this. i keep looking within myself, and it's hurting. it's circular all over again, like when i was heavily writing the book, the book which began the relationship between me and you. it was very painful to be in that place and now i feel like i'm in the same place. i know i have to hold on (i aim to spread your teachings no matter what) but you have to realize how difficult this is.

i do recognize that what i am experiencing are the levels of that vibrational energy- what i am receiving i may also be presenting... the waves of energy are turbulent within me. sometimes i have so much energy and other times i feel at a loss. i see you, and my heart sinks. because i know there is still so much work to be done. and i know i am not alone but it feels that way most of the time.

sometimes it shows on the outside... but much of the time i DO smile, just like the words of your favourite song. in the past few days, alone in my room, i just cry. amidst the summer sun it's just cloudy inside. i also know that everything in life is a lesson but lately a lot of what i am feeling is mistakes. and that i don't have the capacity to fulfill everything i want to.



something has to change. i am doing my best but in the process it would be nice to have someone on this plane to be there with me.

because sometimes i don't know if even you're hearing me.

if i am loud enough, or if i'm saying the right things, i don't know... i mean, what even IS the right thing?

it's interesting, because i am returning to the quick note you wrote back in 1987- "...most people don't know me, that is why they write such things in which most is not true. i cry very often because it hurts and i worry about the children... animals strike, not from malice but because they want to live, it is the same with those who criticize, they desire our blood, not our pain. but i still must achieve i must seek truth in all things."

all these things people say about me, and the looks they give, i know that it's all about perception but sometimes it hurts. well, a lot of the time it hurts. and it's been hurting a lot more lately than usual.

love,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 53)

it is a little past the 8th month, teacher, but i have been feeling your spirit now more than ever... today you have decided to take a rest. the past few days though, you've been working hard.

last night, after coming home from an event i began to speak with you out loud. i asked you if there was anything you wanted me to say to certain people. since the day i felt your spirit enter me (on the 24th) your energy has been getting stronger and stronger, yet i still ask what it is you want. are you just stopping by to say hello, or are you asking for something more?

so as i rode home i asked you out loud if there was anything you wanted me to say to certain people. and just like on the 24th i felt my eyes water... i asked if you were okay, and i think i heard you say you were okay, and that you felt better than the day before. i kept asking if you were sure you were okay, and i felt you getting impatient with me... i know it may seem like i'm pestering you, teacher, but i just want to be clear.

when i said out loud that i loved you, that's when the tears came. i don't ever recall tears streaming down my face in this way when i told you i loved you... this just started happening, since the 24th... the energy between us is so different now. i feel extra sensitive to your energy. there are certain words which trigger tears or certain images which i feel a slight surge of your energy enter me. i feel this energy and i still wonder if i am alone, if i am crazy or if i am just hearing/visualizing things... is it really your energy i am feeling?

well, as i said, if you ever need me, you know i am right here...

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 52)

it's fairly safe to say that these seven months have come to us at a rate faster than imagined. in light of this it's hard to even remember this is 2010. it seems like this news hit just yesterday.

alas, the number 7 is of some significance to you though... it is the number of spiritual and physical regeneration. of course, because people may expect something big from you in this month due to the number's importance to your character, will this day pass as uneventful? or... shall you wait until tuesday the 26th, when there will be a mass release of your film?

it's interesting that this month has lent to itself its share of challenges for many... with many mini-battles amongst individuals, with two major earthquakes in haiti we may be left wondering where love is... but we must realise that it is always here. is this a lesson for all of us to learn in this seventh month? are we to heed the message of regeneration? those of us who are physically left here on this earth must call on which we already know, as well as what we have learned from the ancestors.



i have deferred to you many times this past week, teacher. it has been a fairly bad week, emotionally. it was all my heart could take so many times to just smile (and sing the song which you love so much of the same name) and all i heard was exactly what you told me some time ago in a dream: 'you know what to do.' and i know you know how hard it is for me to hear that. but that's all you told me.

i know you're right, but still... i just need to believe, right?

i know that with all that's going on, your heart is aching too. but we all are in number 7. and we shall get through this. together.

your humble student,
jamilah