Monday, July 13, 2009
michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 17)
i just feel so tired and overwhelmed today, and not too motivated to do much. this is actually the least motivated i've been in a bit. i think i had a bit of a burst of energy, but then i walked all the way home and now it's all gone. my feet hurt so much from last night, and then walking home as well. i just think it's funny that i feel overwhelmed, even though i haven't done much today. it feels like the cycle has begun again. the first round is over, but the same thing seems to be happening that happened two weeks ago when all this happened. i am still feeling like all of this is too much.
yes, i have accepted your transcendence; this is not the problem. i would just like to have a moment with you to focus and engage with your spirit in a quiet place, but i just haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. i still find myself being asked about what i think of what others have said about you... about your drug use. about the state of your paternity. about how much plastic surgery you got. about all this outside stuff i really have no concern about at this point. none of this matters now, as you are no longer physically here to represent yourself. so i am just tired of discussing it. i just want to sleep and know that when i wake up all of this will be gone.
and with this day comes more frustration... i try to maintain the philosophy that people mean well, because i know they do... with all of these sudden memorials to you, i thought i'd be pleased that people are making attempts to finally acknowledging you in the way i feel you should be honored. but the slowness turns into rapidity in terms of sensing the irony emanating in many places. someone told me in the course of all this that the fakers will disappear soon... the problem is, it's not always easy to tell who is sincere, and who is cashing in (not necessarily monitarily) on your transcendence... and with that i don't always know who to talk to.
in a couple of days i would like to simply sit with you, and clear my mind from being so overwhelmed with people all around me. i'd like to rest my feet while i am at it too.
your humble student,