it's been a long day, teacher... but i did learn one thing. it came to me as i was doing a radio show today: i will never take the definition of teaching in a literal way. i'd like to think i was one who has seen the reciprocal relationship between teaching and learning, but tonight it truly made sense. learning really IS the same thing as teaching. it is a set of exchanges; of both speaking and listening.
i love to just hear people speak, and learn about their experiences, but i recognize that what i have to say can be just as beneficial, if i am open to that. just because one does not speak though, does not mean they are listening.
i have not been listening to the outside voices when it comes to you too much; but i am sure you already know that. it's kind of funny, when i would latch on to every bit of information about you as i was writing a book, to get a cross-section of information, in order to connect dots. some of that stuff i'd know was factually wrong, but i'd still read it, to check against everything else. now, it's terribly difficult to differentiate what is, and what isnt. just being so inundated with information... is it the same amount of information as it was before? is it more? did i just never notice because i was so absorbed? it used to be so easy, teacher. you sure are making me work hard...
you were set to perform in a few days in london... do you feel a sense of relief now? are you not dealing with all that joint pain any more? all the emotional pain? or are you performing, wherever you are? i'm just down here trying to set things straight for you. i suspect you don't need me for that, but i'm just trying to do all of this in the name of positivity.
it was really wonderful to have people around today. before i started the show, i had a moment of silence for you... did you hear it? i'm going to be honest with you... even though i feel much better since the two weeks (it's been exactly two weeks!) since you... transcended, i still feel this wave of sadness. i can't shake it. i can smile now, but deep inside i feel so heavy.
at least i can say your name now. i think.
but i wonder if part of the sadness is the frustration with being bombarded by all this information. that people will not let your spirit rest. i'm sure that's what it is. but much of it is also thinking about how much you mean to me, and how much you have taught me. part of the frustration is also never really knowing how to explain this to people. i feel... speehless, really.
how do you vocalize grief? how do you vocalize true inspiration?
these words i speak and write to you will never convey how i feel. so i do the best i can.
thank you so much my teacher, for bearing with me.
your humble student,